An Open Letter to Our Son's Birth Mother

  I know you've found my blog. I know you've found out who we are. I know you have seen pictures of him and even posted them as your own. You probably have even seen we have moved out of state. I'm also sure you have formed opinions of us and even his life. I know you've seen he calls us mom and dad, and when he draws his "family," it's clear it's us.
   But one thing I hope you have seen is that Michael is happy. He has adjusted once again to a new home and lifestyle. He's made friends and has a large extended family. He's excited to finally have the stability he has now. I also want you to see that he is LOVED. We love and adore him.   However, I want you to know a piece of his heart will always be yours. Sometimes it's hard for me to admit that, but he loves you more than words can explain. He talks about you a lot and he remembers you. He's not forgotten how much you love him.
  He has a picture of you and his siblings that we openly let him have. He decides where they go. He loves to look at them. He even worries about you. When it storms, his first thought is that you're safe.
  One thing you probably do not know is, we love you too. There is a love in our hearts for you that is unexplainable. We never talk bad about you. We always hold you to a higher standard. We pray for you every night with him. We pray for your safety and for God's protection on your life.
  We pray for your protection because we want to meet you one day. We will be the first to drive Michael to see you when we feel  he is ready. It will be when he is much older, but you can rest to know when he is ready, you will see him. He is content and happy, and any contact now would confuse him and not be good.
  I also know you will see this blog. I'm writing this to you so you know where we stand. I also write this hoping you will respect where he is in his life. I ask for respect because we respect you. I know this is hard, but I ask for you to trust where the Lord has placed him. Trust that he is being taken care of and we make every decision for him in prayer.
  The truth we both have to accept is we share a son. We even share his heart. But one thing you have to accept is we don't share custody. When we swore to the state we would care for him, we meant it. This isn't an "open adoption." He is our son and we will do everything to ensure he is safe, loved, and cared for.   We will continue to pray and love you. We will continue to talk highly of you. We will continue to talk of the days in the future when he can see you again. But for now, please keep your distance, for the benefit of everyone.

We are moving!

  Kyle and I are so excited about this next season in our life. We have been in continuous prayer over the past few months. It's been hard to keep what the Lord is doing in our lives a secret, but we couldn't fully expand on it yet. 

  In February of this year, Kyle and I felt as though the Lord would be leading our family to move so we began praying about it. Our adoption wasn't final yet so we knew it would at least be after that. 

  We were still in staff position at our church but we knew God was telling us our time there was drawing to a close. That was the hardest part. We loved the church we were serving in. We were always supported and really loved the people.

  We talked with a couple churches here and there. Nothing really serious, but we stayed hopeful because we knew God would open a door. In the beginning of August, we got a call from a church in Louisiana. We thought "Louisiana?? Would God really be calling us to there?" Not to mention we had no idea where they would have gotten Kyle's resume. We still aren't really sure and neither are they. 

  Fast forward a few weeks and we make a trip to Louisiana. We really enjoyed it and so did Michael. We met the committee and really just fell in love with the people of this church. Thankfully, the church felt the same way and we both wanted to proceed. 

  A couple weeks later, October 3rd actually, we resigned from our church. We had not been voted in by the church in LA or knew of a timeline of a move. We really didn't know it was a "for sure" thing. God just made it clear it was the best time for us to resign and we did. We stepped out on faith knowing our God would supply all our needs.

  So now, in this new season, God is relocating our family to Louisiana. Kyle has accepted a full time ministry position for youth and worship pastor! We are excited about this new time in our lives! We are moving to a small town about 9 hours from home! Through this whole process, God has moved in ways unimaginable. God is so faithful when you are obedient to Him!

  As we start this new chapter in our lives, please keep us in your prayers. Kyle, Michael, and I are excited to be moving. Michael has already made new friends and looking forward to us being here! 

 

  

Trust Without Borders

  The first time I ever heard Hillsong's "Oceans" was two nights before we met Michael and he moved into our home. We made a last minute trip to Atlanta to go to a Hillsong concert, talk with them about attending their college in Australia, and to see some family. The college sounded amazing, but we just didn't feel like the Lord would be leading us to Australia, especially since he had made it clear we were to foster.

  After the college preview, we waited in the car until closer to time for the concert to start. During this time, I was able to speak with M's foster mom at the time. He sounded like he was the perfect fit for our family. We learned all about him. Like how he wasn't big into sports, which we were kind of excited about since we aren't dying to sit in cold weather for baseball. We learned he loved to draw, he loved Spider-Man, what the past few years of his life looked like and how he desperately wanted a forever family.

The first picture we seen of Michael.

  At this time, we had only agreed to take him for temporary foster care. We didn't think we would adopt as soon as we started foster care. Flash forward and in less than a 6 months he was adopted. He had a forever family.
  
  That's what singing the song "Oceans" does, only when you mean it with your whole heart. Like most Christian songs, when sung live at a concert, "Oceans" was played for many minutes. From beginning to end. At least six or seven times I heard this song repeated. By the end of it, Kyle and I knew every word. Nothing is more beautiful than hearing thousands of people singing praises to His name. Along with everyone else, we sang every word. But at one point, I went from singing this song to praying the lyrics.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wonder, and my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior."

  Those lyrics flowed from my lips and I meant every word. I stopped and asked the Lord to give me this life. A life that would take me past my borders, to take me places that would only strengthen my faith, and take me into His presence. I wanted something big to happen in our life that would make me fully trust the Lord and that would give Him glory.

  That night after the concert, in our hotel room, Kyle and I both agreed in this prayer. We both talked about those lyrics and how we truly wanted that. We wanted something radical.

Never did I think the answer to that prayer would show up in the shape of a seven year old boy.

  Not only did we pray for our life, we prayed for Michael. He never left our minds from the moment we learned he would be coming to our home. We prayed that God would give him a forever family. It's mind blowing to think how God intertwined those prayers. Our trust without borders lead us to be Michael's forever family. Isn't it wonderful, how God works?

  I invite you to pray for a trust without borders, but if you do, be ready. A "trust without borders" could lead you to a place outside of your comfort zone. It could lead you to adopting a 7 year old, fostering 6 kids at one time, or on a mission trip to South Africa. It could lead you to sell all of your things. It could lead you to move across state lines.

 It could lead you to many things, but one thing it will do, is lead you into something bigger than yourself. It will make you fall more in love with Christ and trust Him deeper than you could imagine.

Kyle and I at the Hillsong Concert in Atlanta, Georgia. 

The first picture of all three of us. The day after he moved in. Love at first sight.

Stability in Fostering

  Someone recently told me fostering after adopting an older child is hard because of the way it effects the adopted child. They told me an adopted child needs stability and with having children come in and out, they don't have that.

I disagree.

  I do agree an adopted child needs stability. However, I think fostering clearly provides that. Nothing has taught Michael more stability than seeing children come and go, but he stays. Michael has lived in eight homes. When Michael first came to us, he thought he had been adopted eight times. He had been promised adoption at a few of those homes, so he assumed each time he had been adopted.

  People do not know how hard it is to "rewire" the way a child thinks, especially when it sounds like the same spill the last family gave. Having to convince Michael "this time" was going to be different was the hardest thing we have had to do. Nothing has taught Michael this is his forever family than seeing other children move. He finally has the same feeling that birth children have. He has never been an only child so, every time he left a home, he left a sister or brother. He has left a home when other children got to stay. Michael staying has taught him was stability means.
  
  In the last 10 months, we have had 10 foster children in our home. Each time one leaves, it makes me thankful for the one who has stayed. It makes me thankful God chose to make Michael ours. It makes me love on M a little more, just so he knows he is ours. Many people ask how M feels about having other foster children come and go or how it effects him. Michael know EXACTLY how these children feel when they come in. He knows the loneliness and confusion they feel. Michael has a lot in common most of the time with the foster children who come in. I have heard Michael tell just about all of them, "I was a foster child too but I was adopted!" Michael has already started sharing his testimony before he knows what one is. Michael loves to hear their stories.

  Michael loves having other foster children in our home. Partly because he's an only child and loves having someone to play with. When we know the children are only here for a night or two, it often feels like a slumber party. We don't change our schedules too much but there is more flexibility. 

  Fostering teaches Michael the same thing it teaches Kyle and I. It teaches him the love of Christ more and more. It teaches us to be thankful for the life we have. It also teaches us that sometimes God calls you to do really hard things.  Fostering teaches us to lean on Christ for understanding. Fostering is hard. Fostering can break your heart.

  My last blog was about how hard it was going to be when GG left. Let me tell you, it was hard and it's still hard. We talk about her often and I think about her everyday. It wasn't just hard on me, but we all shed tears. Sometimes it's hard for Michael to see these kids leave. The last group of three we had was probably the hardest for him. He was close to one's age and the other two really enjoyed playing with him. He was heartbroken when they left. I tell Michael "Christ will give them a home just like He gave you. It may be with their birth mom, it may take awhile to get a "home," but they will have one."

  There are times Michael is ready for them to leave. Sometimes he says he is ready for it to just be us. Sometimes he doesn't like the other kids who come in. Sometimes they just don't get along. But I want him to learn the same things from these times as when it's hard to see them leave. 
  
  As much as I want to guard Michael's heart from being broke, I want him to know there is joy in the pain. I want him to learn surrendering our life for Christ means trusting in His plan. I want him to know the peace that comes from obeying Christ even when we don't understand. I want Him to know that God's will is not always what we think it should be. I want him to see Christ can heal our wounds and give us peace that passes all understanding. I want fostering to be an avenue Christ can use to show Michael His love for us and the love we should have for others. I want Michael to love because He first loved us.

  Fostering has taught Michael compassion and love. It has taught him to be welcoming and friendly. It has taught him to be what he needed when he moved homes. It has taught Michael lessons I could not teach. It has taught Michael he is no longer a "foster kid" but a part of our family. It has taught Michael this is "more than a roof" but a home.

The Hard Part of Fostering

  When we first started fostering we didn't really "want" to foster littles. And we felt we really didn't need to after a one night placement with a three year old didn't go well. We just felt we were not ready for under school age. Our motto was "potty trained and in school."
  We felt like having our age limit was putting restraints on what God has called us to do and to be honest, I've had baby fever pretty bad lately. Not necessarily for our own or even a "little baby," I just wanted a little one. I wanted someone to rock to sleep and love on. I even told several people "I wish they would call for a little girl." Well, they did!
  She's the sweetest and most adorable little girl I have ever seen. I so wish you could see her precious face. GG is perfect! (She even sleeps through the night and has attached to us so well.)
 Sadly, GG may not be with us to long. Our hope is family can take her but that may take a few weeks to get them licensed. So for now, she's ours.

  I'm gonna be totally honest. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. My heart aches at the thought of her leaving. I truly thought I would be able to do this and guard my heart and try not to attach so much, but I failed. I failed miserably. I even told God "If she leaves, we can't do littles again. I'm not ready." I was so upset. I cried most of the day. I'm thankful for the friends who listened to me ball my eyes out at work. (And this was two days after she came to us!) Then, He reminded me of why we started fostering, for Him. He reminded me we love because He loves us. He reminded me following Him is costly, and can even break your heart.
 Sometimes God calls His people to do hard things. If you feel fostering isn't for you because you may get "to attached," the answer is you will. You will attach the moment they walk into your life and your heart will break the moment they leave. That's why God calls Christians to take care of the unloved. They need to be shown attachment, a safe place, and mostly the love of Christ-even when they are a little.
  Loving a child, who I know will likely not remain in my home, is the HARDEST thing I've done. As I write this blog, I have the most precious soul sleeping on me. Knowing this isn't forever breaks my heart but all I can do is trust God. God has a purpose for her life. I'm thankful He has entrusted me with her life for the short amount of time He has. Do I pray for a miracle that she may stay? Of course I do! But Christ has given me a peace that surpasses all understanding about His plan and all I can do is pray the Lord's protection over GG's life. I also pray when GG finally goes to another place, He will make it a smooth transition and attach to them as much as she has us.
  But for now, I'm finding joy in loving on GG! For the time she is here, we are going to love her as our own.

I Choose Juicy Fruit

  Michael has a horrible memory. This is a good and bad thing. The good is: I'm thankful he can block out bad memories from his past (I know one day they will come flooding in, and I pray for him everyday and feel like I'm prepared) but sometimes it's a battle for the present. The bad: You can give him specific instructions and he will forget two seconds later. He even forgets people. Literally, he can see someone everyday and if he goes a few weeks without seeing them, he forgets their name. He will recognize their face and won't remember how he knows them. Sometimes it's extremely frustrating.
  The stuff he remembers from the past sometimes grips me. He remembers some negative but it's the funny stuff he remembers that pulls at my heart. Like how his birth grandma loved juicy fruit gum and anytime we chew it he thinks of his birth mom because they would chew it together.
  This brings two sides of me. One: Do I never ever buy juicy fruit again to avoid the memory? Two: Do I buy the gum so it jogs his memory and unlocks secrets.
  We buy the gum. Not so it unlocks secrets, but if the only thing he has left from his birth family is the memory of Juicy Fruit, I'm okay with that. I'm okay with him remembering and talking about them. I love hearing the stories he can remember.  Because honestly, I love his birth family. I can't wait until he is old enough to contact them. I want to meet them one day. Not yet, but one day. We pray for them every night-for safety, God to draw them close to Him, and they learn to make good choices.
  We don't press him for memories of his past life. We like to hear about them as he is ready to tell them. Sometimes the negative memories he talks about breaks my heart in two. Like staying in a dirty house with no power for a few days. Or being nervous about playing outside with fear of DHR coming to get him because that's what he was told, and the one time he snuck outside to play, DHR did show up.
  Other times he remembers something small like a smell of someone or passing the local hospital where he came out of her belly. Those memories make me smile. I'm thankful most of the memories of birth family are positive.
  I could choose not to buy Juicy Fruit. I could choose to live in a fantasy world where we are the only people in the world he thinks about. I could choose to act like he doesn't have a past and I could choose for us not to talk about it. I could chose Spearmint or Big Red, but I don't. I choose Juicy Fruit.

It's O'fish'al!

  May 8, 2014, after one thousand one hundred eighty-six days (a little over three years) and eight homes, sweet M became a child in a forever home! M is no longer a foster child! I am no longer his foster mom and Kyle is no longer his foster dad. We are his mom and dad! One of the most awesome things is in about two months we will receive a brand new birth certificate showing Kyle and Makayla Robinson as mother and father and will have his new name, Michael Kyle Robinson! For anyone wondering, we gave him the name Kyle.

What a testimony right?

   Adoption day was very exciting and emotional! We had to be at the courthouse at 10:30! We were in chambers until about 11! After, my cousin met us there to take pictures as our new family!

This one is my favorite!

   After leaving, we headed home. Or at least that's what Michael thought. We were actually headed to a surprise adoption party! The theme was "It's o'fish'al and had some very cute fish decorations. He was so surprised when we walked in! He was surprised and I don't know what happened to me. When we walked in and seen around 40 of our closest friends and family, I finally broke down. A flood of emotions came over me! I was so excited and also overwhelmed. I was overwhelmed by all of the support and the fact we were now parents!! Our wait to be Michael's parents were finally over!

I was a Mom. One month before my 21st birthday, I became a mom to a seven year old little boy! 

My sweet adoption day gift from my two favorite boys!

  Eight months ago when starting our foster parenting classes, I never imagined this. I imagined adopting, just not our first placement. I thought God is calling us to care for orphans so we will have a lot of kids in and out of our home. I thought Imagine how many children we will pray for and love on. I knew one day we would always adopt. Kyle and I knew we would start our family with adoption. Adoption is one thing we have always been passionate about. We just didn't think we would start our family so young and after only being married 2 and a half years. And I really didn't think we would start with a seven year old!

   I love how we have a God who sometimes only reveals to us what we need to know. I love how God will call you to do something but not tell you the end result, like he did with us fostering. To be honest, if God told us eight months ago "You are going to start fostering classes, they are going to place a seven year old with you, and in six months of meeting him you will make him a part of your family forever." I WOULD HAVE FREAKED. Honestly, the last six months would have went down a whole lot different. I would have A.) Been so excited that I wouldn't have waited on the child God had for us and I have messed it up or B.) We would have been scared and never went to the first meeting and we would have messed it up. Honesty would be me telling you scenario B would have happened. B would have happened because we didn't think we were ready. B would have happened because we would have been terrified. I'm just thankful for a God who knew it would have taken me a few days in the belly of a whale like Jonah to get me to do what He wanted. So instead of telling us "Bam! You're adopting a child" He gave us a heart for them first and warmed us up to the idea. I also believe He only revealed a little at a time because it really made us rely on Him. We totally were doing the fostering thing relying on Faith. Exactly what God wants.

   I'm glad God thought we were ready. I could not imagine why God chose and trusted Kyle and I to raise Michael. We make a lot of mistakes while we learn how to be parents. All I know is Kyle and I love Michael more than we ever thought we could. I'm thankful our adoption process was quick and easy. Eight months was such a short time ago, but now, it is hard to remember life before M. We have had him six months but it feels like He has been with us forever.