Does it get easier?

   
  Right now I'm sitting in a waiting room while our sweet three year old, Baby E, is having a 3-4 hour surgery to have implants to restore hearing loss. I'm sitting with my husband and a dear friend who flew from home to be with us. We scroll through Facebook, work on homework, and talk as we wait for updates about our little guy. You know who's not here? You could probably guess, but it's his "real mom."
 
  A couple weeks ago I was in the waiting room at the state building and a new foster mom started asking me questions. She asked how long I had been one and then she asked a question she knew the answer to but didn't want to hear. As she held a 4 month old baby she said, "Does it ever get easier?" I looked at this mom and wanted so bad to say yes. But I told her the truth, "Not at all." I said it because it's the truth. It never gets easier.

  I'm not sure what she was implying: visits, unknowns, sharing your child, waiting, fostering? Nothing gets easier. I sit in this waiting room not promised tomorrow with him. I sit clinging to words of doctors, waiting for a phone update. I sit waiting to see him and try to comfort him as he wakes. I sit waiting as his mom.

  The nurse will come out and ask for his parents to come speak to the doctor. We are the ones who she gives instructions to. We are the ones who will be there when he wakes up. We are the ones who will take a fussy baby home. We are the ones who will miss sleep. We are the ones who have to help him recover. We are his parents.

  Nothing about this is easy. At some point you start to want these babies with everything inside you. At some point you realize that loosing them will be the hardest thing you face.Visits are hard. Sharing your baby is hard. Knowing they may not be yours makes everything hard. It never gets easier.

  The only thing that's easy is loving these babies like they are your own. These children need families. These children need love. These children need comfort. These children need us. It never gets easier but it's always worth it.

A Sign of Hope

 Today has been an emotional day for me. Every other Tuesday we have a visit with Baby E's birth mom but this is the first day the thought of their visit hurt my heart. I guess it hurt because we are drawing closer to the end of her time to complete her case plan, we have no idea what she has completed, and if he does go back to her it could be soon. Everyone who starts fostering knows their is a possibility of reunification and that is always the state's first goal but it doesn't make the hurt less.

  For us, he's ours and to him we are his, but to the legal system, he belongs to a woman he doesn't know.

  We haven't had any hint as to what his future with us holds until today. As my heart ached on the way to the visit, I prayed for a hint as to where we may be at. My heart was torn because I don't want her to fail but Baby E needs to remain with us to have his needs met. He's come such a long way since he's been with us.

  When I got to the office I sent Kyle a text that said:

"I was thinking and praying on the way here and the church at where I turn to come to DCFS sign said "Pray. Believe. Receive." I've been praying but apart of me hasn't been believing. I have to trust E is going to be ours. If it comes to be He's not, God is still God but I believe he will be ours."

  We went in at the office to find out that mom decided not to show, for the third time in two months. I'm thankful Baby E doesn't realize when this happens. While we were there the social worker wanted to speak with me about where everything was. I can't share many details but let me say God is so good. 10 minutes after I prayed for God to just give me a little hope, He gave me hope and then some. Nothing is ever certain until a judge says so, but we do have reason to believe Baby E will be ours and we are filled with joy.

  Although our hearts have so much joy, there is also much sadness. If and when the moment comes where Baby E is ours, another woman will be losing something. A day where we will gain a son, another mom and dad will be losing one.

  So as we move forward in hopes of Baby E being ours, please pray for his birth family. We are overjoyed at the thought of him being ours but sadden to know it means loss for someone else.

The Child I Could Not Care For

  My heart aches as I write this post. These past 24 hours have been incredibly hard for us. At 9:00pm on August 13th the little guy we nicknamed "Little J" came into our home and around 1:30pm on August 14th he was no longer in my care. I can't give many details but it was due to medical problems. 

  He was one of the sweetest and most gentle little guys we have ever met. He was a wonderful little boy with a sad story. 

  Little J was not hard, we just could not meet his needs. The hardest thing for Kyle and I was realizing his needs were far to great for us to care for, especially with three other children in our home. Little J needed lots of extra care that wouldn't be possible for us to manage. Telling our social worker I felt like I would not be able to care for him was the hardest thing I have had to do since we began fostering.

  I have wanted to throw the towel in on a few kids before. Sounds horrible but I'm being honest. Sometimes you get a child who is just really hard. Sometimes so hard you contemplate calling and telling them you can't deal. This wasn't the case for Little J. It hurt so bad because I wanted to be the one who could care for him. I wanted to nurse him back to good health and watch this little guy start thriving. It broke my heart to have to say I couldn't be that person for him. 

  Even though we had him for a night, we served a purpose. We fulfilled the need the best we could and for as long as we could. I will think of Little J every day. Even though he was only in our home for a short time, he will forever be in our hearts. He may not ever remember us, but I will forever remember him. 

To the child I could not care for:

   You are a special boy. You may have only been in our home for a moment but we will always remember you. The hardest thing for me was to not be who you needed. I could love you but I couldn't care for your medical needs. I was not the best for you and the best is what you deserve. I hope to see you healthy and thriving one day.

 

We truly love you. 

I May Have Lost My Mind

 Some days I'm pretty certain I have lost my mind. These days normally contain dirty dishes, grumpy kids, and lots of laundry and since all of these things have multiplied, I feel this way a good bit. I also feel this way when I get the great idea to take all of my children into Walmart with me. 

  We were licensed here in Louisiana at the end of May and on June third we got our first placement. A two year old little boy. We weren't told a lot of positives about him because he had some special needs. We were told he was deaf, couldn't see well, and maybe some other needs. He has been a "life changer" for sure but not because of his delays, but because we are in love with this little boy. He has taught us so much. He is the happiest baby I've ever seen and brings us great joy. It's also great to see Michael love on him! 

  

Then June 15, I took a placement of two boys, 6 and 4. I say "I took a placement" because "I" really did. Kyle was out of town...so for two days I had 4 boys in my house: 2, 4, 6, and 8! I only had them two days but in those two days I really felt like I had lost my mind. But, it was also fun! Especially when we lost power from 5:00-9:30 at night. 5-8 wasn't so bad, but then it got warm and dark. So we had Burger King for dinner and a late bedtime!

  

  July 2, we took another placement. A 5 year old girl. I was excited about having another girl in our home. She showed up and the first thing out of her mouth was "I'm here to live with yall! Where's my room?" A song lyric by Taylor Swift sums it up, "I knew you were trouble when you walked in." This little bitty 5 year old girl came in with a punch and so much sass!! But as soon as she came in, she had our hearts. She has a great smile and loving heart. I love her as much as she loves Elsa, and that is a lot. She should be going home soon and I can't imagine her not being here, but I'm excited for her to be joining her mom! Her mom is a wonderful lady and I hope to continue to be apart of their life! 

  So here we are, enjoying life with our son who is now 9, and our foster loves, 5 year old Elsa and Baby E who just turned 3.

  I stay tired, worn out, and stressed to the max. I forget stuff all the time. Here's a funny story: We signed Michael up at a local 3 day camp. I thought he went Thursday thru Saturday! So you can imagine my surprise when a friend tagged me in a picture (on Monday) of the camp trying to find Michael in it. His camp was from Monday-Thursday!! This is at 3:30pm and he was supposed to be there at noon! We rushed to get him packed and ready! He ended up having. A great time! Kyle and I have nicknamed this "third kid syndrome." It's funny now but I was so upset with myself over it. I was sure I had lost my mind. Three kids? What was I thinking?!

  

  Even though I feel overwhelmed sometimes, I wouldn't trade this life for anything! A friend of mine joked about thinking I was crazy when we said yes to three kids. I laughed but I was thinking "Everyone is really going to think we are nuts when we say yes to another one." We look crazy and maybe sound crazy, but there is no greater joy than to be serving the Lord and being in His will. We love this chaotic life and I look forward to growing!

  Kyle and I try to live with what we call "open hands" and allow the Lord to place whatever or whoever in them. When we get a call about a child or have to make a decision we ask the question "Does this glorify God?" And if it does, we say yes. God seems to get the most glory when what you're doing is labeled "crazy" or no one understands. 

  We are 22 and currently have three kids. Only one of those is technically "ours" but we love each one like our own so while they are here..they are mine. 

  It's funny to think about what being crazy in love with Jesus has done to our lives. Our life is not how I pictured it would be. It's better, even on the days I feel like I have lost my mind. I wouldn't trade this life for anything. I'm thankful His ways are greater. I may have lost my mind, but "I found my life when I laid it down." (Hillsong's "Touch the Sky")

-Another Adoption Story- "A few phone calls that would change our lives forever and a tribute to our daughters biological mother."

  Adoption has always been dear to my heart. The first story of adoption I knew was my Aunt Paula and Uncle Jack's. They adopted my cousin. I remember loving their story from a young age and thinking of how sweet it was to take a child not of blood but love them as their own. 
  I recently wrote a blog about their decision to take their daughter to speak with her biological mom before she passed away. I haven't posted the blog yet because when I shared with my aunt what I planned to post, I also asked her to write their story. They have always been an "open book" when it came to their story, so when I asked she said she would. I wanted to post their story before I posted the blog I wrote.



 This is their story.


A few phone calls that would change our lives forever and a tribute to our daughter’s biological mother:

After years of infertility we had come to the conclusion that we would never have children.  We had already been married for 12 years and have went through endometriosis, about five surgeries, and fertility drugs, only to end up with a hysterectomy due to my fallen and twisted uterus.  I told the doctor to take it all as I was done and no one was going back in.

Less than a year later was one of the phone calls that changed our lives forever.  Our niece wanted to come over right then and there to talk to us.  We didn’t know what was going on until she arrived with her mother, my husband’s sister.  Our 14 year old niece was five months pregnant and hid it from everyone.  She couldn’t hide it any longer and already decided what she was going to do.  She told her mother and then asked her to take her over to her Uncle and Aunt’s house (us).  She then proceeded to tell us that she was pregnant.  But that was not the reason why she wanted to see us.  She asked us to adopt her baby.

Of course, after the shock wore off, our faces lit up like GOD shining his light down on us.  We both just looked at one another.  I don’t think at that time any words were exchanged between us.  It was like we were reading each other’s mind.  I know our niece was already on pins and needles with telling her mom and us that she was pregnant and for her to sit there waiting on us to say something.  At that point, we realized for one, that our niece might be 14 years old, but she was making the most grown up and selfless decision as person could make.  A sacrifice for the child she was carrying, to have a life that she thought she could never give at that point in her life.  She told us that she would like for this baby to stay in the family, because it was family.  And that the only thing she thought about was “us”.  It was a decision she had decided when she found out she was pregnant.

Our hearts were screaming “YES YES YES”.  But our heads had to wrap around what was happening.  To raise someone else’s child as your own--Could we do it?  Could you do it?  You know what?  You can and we did.

After all of the legal mumbo jumbo, all of the doctor’s appointments and then finally the delivery of a beautiful, healthy and loud little girl; it was all worth it.  Our niece made an ultimate sacrifice that we will always be grateful .  She will always hold the utmost respect from us for doing what she did.  She put her child first, before her own wants.  We know that that was not an easy decision for anyone to ever have to make, let alone a 14 year old girl.  But she was not a girl, she was a woman, who had more guts than anyone ever could have imagined.  She handed her over to her Uncle and said “Here’s your daughter”.  It was like a dream that I just couldn’t wake up from.

We know that she had to face some very hard emotions.  But she said that she gave her word and that was all she owned.  The daughter that she gave birth to, was now ours.  What do you say to that?  But “Thank you”.  And to make a promise to her that this little girl would never want or need for anything in life.  And that is the promise that we have kept and will keep giving.  Was it enough for her?  We didn’t know, but she gave her word and we gave ours.

Our niece distanced herself from everyone throughout the years as we guessed was her way of coping and handling what she had done.  I know it wasn’t easy.  There is no way that it was.  We always wanted her to be around and guess we didn’t realize how hard it was on her.

The second and third phone calls were bad and good.  Our niece at the age of 24 had breast cancer.  She went through chemo and radiation.  The good news was that she went into remission.

The fourth phone call at her tender age of 30 years old, was that the cancer was back and with a vengeance.  It had spread to her lungs, liver and bones.  They were going to try chemo again, but that it had spread too hard and fast and that she was lucky if she would make it six months.

Now all of this time throughout our daughter’s life, we told her she was adopted and who her biological mother was.  We told her about the cancer the first time she had it and it was even harder to tell her the last time, knowing that the outcome would not be good.  But that did not stop us from doing a lot of praying and a lot of crying.  I wanted to drop everything and go to her, but certain issues made it difficult for us to go see her at that time.  She wanted to see her biological daughter and our daughter wanted to see her biological mother.

Through the next couple of months talking back and forth with our niece, it was time to make that trip so they could see each other and talk about the “Why’s”.  Being our niece and watching her go thru this terrible pain of cancer was bad enough.  But to us, what was harder, was listening to her tell our daughter why she did what she did.  She held her close and kissed and loved her like a mother would.  She told her that she did what she thought was best her, because she could not take care of a baby being so young and having nothing.  She also told her that she made the best decision for her because her other children have grown up with nothing.   And that she would do what she did again in a heartbeat.  I think we all left the room several times.  We just could not keep it together.  We tried as hard as we could.  But our niece had the hardest job and there was nothing that we could do to help her.  We shared a very special bond and always will.

On April 18, we received the last call that changed our lives forever (in less than 5 months from when we found out that her cancer had come back).  Our beautiful niece, Brittany Schie Thetford Davidson, had passed away from cancer.  She had just turned 31 years old.  She left a big impact on our lives and will forever.  She not only gave a child a better life, but she gave us a better life with a beautiful daughter, that at the age of 16 years old, is the spitting image of our niece, her biological mother.

We shared a journey with you and hope that we said “Thank you” enough.  You gave us something that was never going to be within reach for us.  We really don’t think there is enough love and words to express how we feel for what you did for us; for her.  But we will be sure to catch up on everything when we see each other again.  May you rest in peace, our Angel with wings.

You know it doesn’t matter who, what, when, where or why.  Adoption comes in many different forms and many different ways.  They are all different circumstances to each and every one of them.  Just know that you can love an adopted child as if they are your biological children.  They all deserve to be loved and cared for, relative or not.  It doesn’t matter.  If you have the love in your heart, there is no difference.  Adopt--- We did.


I am so thankful for my Aunt Paula and Uncle Jack. I am close to all of my family but they hold a special place in my heart. Although our adoption stories are very different, they understand the road we have traveled and are always there when I need them. 

Aunt Pay and UJ,
Thank you for always being willing to share your story with me. Thank you for always being two people I can count on in life to be there for us. Every moment in my life you have stood beside me and loved me. From me telling you I was getting married right out of high school, to me telling you we were fostering and maybe adopting. You have always been some of my biggest supporters. I love you and thank God for you!

His Timing is Perfect

  I've wanted to write a blog for sometime about where we were with fostering here in Louisiana. Every time I wrote one, I ended up deleting it.

  Late last night I wrote a blog about having to find patience in waiting. I wrote how we had been in limbo with the DHR here trying to get licensed using our classes from Alabama.

  I was in constant prayer over the whole situation. I wanted to keep trying to rush the process but the Lord wanted me to be still. I didn't want to rush the Lord's timing but I so desperately wanted it quickly. So as I wrote last night's blog, I prayed. I prayed for His will to be done, for no more bumps in the road caused from document errors, and for the child or children who would be placed in our home. I also prayed for my heart to be still.

  I just wanted to hear from someone and know where we were in the process. The last update I had was two weeks ago. We were told the supervisor would look over all of our documents from Alabama and if they transferred they would assign us to a case worker, let us know if we needed anymore documents, and set up a home study. I know DHR is busy so I was worried it would take forever. It's not I was desperate for more children but I wanted to know our credits would transfer. It's also exciting to know you are doing something the Lord has called you to do!

 I'm thankful for answered prayers! It is sweet to know our God hears us when we call.
 
  I received a call this morning from our assigned caseworker. (A plus is our assigned case worker is who we have been in contact with throughout the whole process.) He called with not only an update but with good news. All of our documents transferred! The only thing we have to do to be licensed is get updated medical physicals and pass our home study! Our home study is scheduled for next Thursday!

  We are all very excited to be starting again, especially Michael. Our case worker told us we would probably have a placement soon after being licensed. They are full with not many homes. We know the Lord has big plans here! Our hearts are ready and waiting.

I'm praying no child "needs" us but I'm also praying for the ones who will.

Pray with me.

An Open Letter to Our Son's Birth Mother

  I know you've found my blog. I know you've found out who we are. I know you have seen pictures of him and even posted them as your own. You probably have even seen we have moved out of state. I'm also sure you have formed opinions of us and even his life. I know you've seen he calls us mom and dad, and when he draws his "family," it's clear it's us.
   But one thing I hope you have seen is that Michael is happy. He has adjusted once again to a new home and lifestyle. He's made friends and has a large extended family. He's excited to finally have the stability he has now. I also want you to see that he is LOVED. We love and adore him.   However, I want you to know a piece of his heart will always be yours. Sometimes it's hard for me to admit that, but he loves you more than words can explain. He talks about you a lot and he remembers you. He's not forgotten how much you love him.
  He has a picture of you and his siblings that we openly let him have. He decides where they go. He loves to look at them. He even worries about you. When it storms, his first thought is that you're safe.
  One thing you probably do not know is, we love you too. There is a love in our hearts for you that is unexplainable. We never talk bad about you. We always hold you to a higher standard. We pray for you every night with him. We pray for your safety and for God's protection on your life.
  We pray for your protection because we want to meet you one day. We will be the first to drive Michael to see you when we feel  he is ready. It will be when he is much older, but you can rest to know when he is ready, you will see him. He is content and happy, and any contact now would confuse him and not be good.
  I also know you will see this blog. I'm writing this to you so you know where we stand. I also write this hoping you will respect where he is in his life. I ask for respect because we respect you. I know this is hard, but I ask for you to trust where the Lord has placed him. Trust that he is being taken care of and we make every decision for him in prayer.
  The truth we both have to accept is we share a son. We even share his heart. But one thing you have to accept is we don't share custody. When we swore to the state we would care for him, we meant it. This isn't an "open adoption." He is our son and we will do everything to ensure he is safe, loved, and cared for.   We will continue to pray and love you. We will continue to talk highly of you. We will continue to talk of the days in the future when he can see you again. But for now, please keep your distance, for the benefit of everyone.