A Reminder of a Promise

I think of Eli all the time but my thoughts are so much different when I am about to see him. My thoughts aren't just thinking of what he is doing, how school is going, and what he had for lunch. They go so much deeper and I am crippled by the fact that I even have to go see him. The heartache stings non stop that he isn't home with us.

In a meeting today at work I was asked what my personal goals in life were and where I saw God leading me in life. (How awesome I work for a place that even asks this.) On the blank that asked where I saw God leading me in life, I literally wrote "No idea..." and it is because of Eli and all of the uncertainty. How do you plan your life or think of the future when one of your babies is not living at home? It is so hard to dream of the things God has for us because a) I feel guilty to plan like he may not be home, b) I plan for him to be home and we have no idea what that looks like or c) because I am scared to say yes to anything out of fear because my heart is broken and my feelings are hurt.

On my way home from work, I was listening to a new song by Lauren Daigle called "Rescue" that reminds me of Eli and really helps mend my heart in that moment as He draws me to worship. I wept and prayed as I thought about a doctor's appointment we would be having tomorrow and the dreams I still have for him. I was so sad thinking of this season in life we are in without him home.

BUT GOD.

He is so faithful to remind me of who He is and that He knows when my heart is broken. He doesn't always send huge reminders like church signs (like he has done before) but He always, always sends me a sign or whispers sweet reminders that He is present.

Tonight after dinner, Kyle was looking at pictures from this past weekend when him and Michael spent the day with Eli. As soon and Michael saw the picture we were looking at he said, "There is a rainbow!" All I could think about is that rainbow and what it means. Because of Genesis 9, we know a rainbow was used by God as a reminder of a covenant He had made. I was so thankful Michael pointed out the rainbow because right on top of a picture of Eli, God was reminding me of the promise He made to us and Eli. A promise to love him and care for him, to protect him and know him, to see him and care for him, to be his Father and his Savior, to be his God.

There are days I tell God I don't understand what is going on with Eli. There are days where my heart hurts more than others. There are days that I am mad and then there are days where I am okay with whatever His plan is. But everyday, God is faithful to remind me that He has made me a promise and that He will keep them. He sees the small details in life and pursues us.

Thank you Lord for Your promises and for loving Eli more than I ever could. I will cling to Your promise and trust Your plan for our lives.

It is Well

It has been almost a year since my last blog post. Between welcoming a baby, being a full time student, working outside of the home full time, and everything else we do, it's been impossible to write. But tonight, while we are all watching tv, I decided it was time.

I don’t remember the exact date but it was about this time last year. I was sitting at the dining room table and Eli came running through the house, screaming, laughing, and had his head thrown back toward the ceiling. He stopped right in front of the kitchen bar, started spinning while looking at the ceiling, started flapping his hands, and then stopped and started crying. I thought right then, something was not right. I don’t know if it was the hand flappling or what. But I knew in that moment, the diagnoses, whatever that may be, that I fought so hard against would come.

I don’t know if every special needs parent has that defining moment, where they look at their child and realize something isn’t right. But from that moment on, something in my heart shifted. I wish I could say it made me a better parent, realizing something was different. I wish I could say it made me more patient. It didn’t.

We try to live our lives transparent and vulnerable with everyone we know. We truly believe this is the best way for God to receive the most glory. When you see the broken and ugly, you also get to see the power displayed when prayers are answered.

When we first started down this path with Eli, we kept a lot to ourselves and close friends and family, and that was usually when asked. After several months, we started to really reveal what was happening in our home: horrible aggression toward others, self harm, weekly psychiatric appointments, and multiple diagnoses.

Despite our willingness to be transparent, there is just too much to share on a daily basis. There are not enough hours in the day to update with the things we have been facing with Eli.

After many tears, prayers, and professional medical opinions, Eli entered an intense residential therapy center for children with autism and behavioral challenges. He has occupational therapy, speech therapy, behavioral therapy, and play therapy daily. He has a medical doctor and psychiatrist on his team of staff with around the clock medical and behavioral supervision. The therapy center is hopefully short term and always has a goal of returning home.

This has been an incredibly hard decision and one we fully believe the Lord has given us a peace to take. Eli moved at the beginning of July and this has been a weird adjustment for our family. For so long we struggled with what Eli needed and we know God opened this door to provide everyone with what was needed at this time.

I have to stop myself daily from asking the what if’s. What if I had accepted a diagnoses sooner? What if we sought therapy early on? What if I missed some sort of intervention because I was to busy thinking love is all he needed.

I wanted love to be all he needed so bad. After years of neglect and to an extent abuse that he suffered prior to a family, if he is surrounded by love and affection, it will change him, maybe even heal him.

I think one of the hardest realizations of being a Christian is coming to terms with the fact we all don’t get that miraculous healing that we crave. I want so bad for Eli to wake up one day talking and being able to function in a family. I pray for it. I fast for it. I hunger for it. I cry out in tears begging God for it. It’s hard, incredibly painful, when it doesn’t come for the people you love.

The past year has brought joy with welcoming Oaklyn, but the sadness of not having Eli close is horrible. It's not just that he isn't here, it's grieving for the dreams we have for him. I know God is fully capable to heal him, but I also trust He is still faithful. 

Thankfully, we have a God who draws close to us in this time and whispers intimate things. He brings you an understanding and a peace to know one day it will be different. Until that day, we wait and pray. Even when it doesn't feel good...it is well. 

Having a Special Needs Child

At the beginning of this year, I was contracted to write for an adoption website. Below is one of the articles I wrote:

Today is probably not the best day for me to write a post about how my adopted special needs child changed my life. It is a day when my “It is well” tattoo isn’t reminding me that all is well, which seems to be the case more days than not.

My day started at 6:00 am to the sound of glass breaking and screaming. My special needs son, whose diagnoses is really unfounded because of his history, freaked out over a light being turned off. He entered his grandmother’s room when he woke up, she followed him to the kitchen to fix him something for breakfast. 

You can read the rest of the article here: How My Child with Special Needs who was Adopted Changed my Life

Three Boys

I found out we were having a boy when I logged in to check the status of the lab work we had done. The lab work showed no positive markers for down syndrome or spinal bifida but also had a pop up box that said "Gender results: Do you wish to proceed?" I was at work looking at this pop up and could not help but press yes. There it was, the news we were having a boy. Thankfully it was time to get off at work, so I clocked out, printed the results, and sent Kyle a text that said "OMG I KNOW WHAT WE ARE HAVING!!!" I told him I was going to run by Publix and get something to surprise him with the gender.

When I got home, I met Kyle upstairs with a gift bag and a card. I handed him the card, which was in a in a pink envelop (on purpose) and he immediately knew it was a girl...until he opened the card and right on front it said "It's a boy!" Inside the card was the printed results and I handed him a cupcake with blue frosting. He was ecstatic, the total opposite of the reaction I had.

In the beginning, I was pretty upset to find out we were having our third boy. I really wanted a girl and had throughly convinced myself that's what we were having. I actually shed a few tears on my way home with the blue cupcake. I was very thankful to be having a healthy baby, but I really wanted to add some pink to our life and had really enjoyed being a girl mom to the few girls we got to foster.

I quickly got over my semi disappointment seeing how excited Kyle was. We had to keep this a secret because we were going to reveal the gender to our boys and family when we visited back "home" in North Alabama. The shock at the reveal party was evident when the blue balloons came out. Everyone thought and was secretly hoping for a girl.

Our Gender Reveal! It's a boy!!

Mine and Kyle's mother when the blue balloons came out!

In less than three weeks, we will welcome our third son, Oaklyn. I have zero pink items, lots of zoo animal print, and a bedding with airplanes; but I could not be more excited. As I look at the two boys God has blessed us with already, I am over joyed he thought I would be worthy enough to have one more. "Boy Mom" has an awesome ring to it if you ask me.  So now, I am going to have three boys, all with way different stories about how the Lord gave them to me.

Michael made me a mom. I may not have brought him home from the hospital or heard his first word, but I will never forget the day he showed up to my home and what it felt like to hear him call me mom for the first time. Michael was up for adoption and after 6 months it was official, I was a mom and he was my first son.

Eli may not have made me a mom but he taught me a lot about a special kind of love, one that fights for their child. We walked the whole foster to adopt road with Eli. We went through visits, meetings, unknown answers, a termination trial, and then finally adoption. We had to fight for Eli's best interest as well as a love he didn't know he needed.

The Lord gave both Michael and Eli to us through adoption, but each with their own unique story. He used each of them to shape and mold Kyle and I into parents and how to love like parents do. Now we prepare for another blessing. A new kind of love, not one that is more but one that is different. We are excited to welcome a baby in less than three weeks and thankful everyday for the Lord's blessings.

This is the God We Serve

   A little over three years ago, we welcomed our first foster child in our home. At this time we were going to foster to minister to families and strictly foster; no adoption please. It's funny how the Lord leads you to do something, doesn’t share all the details, but somehow you come up with what His plan is. Thankfully the Lord’s plan was far more than anything we could have dreamed, and that first foster placement, who was up for adoption, became our forever son in less than six months. I became a mom to a seven, almost 8, year old boy at the age of 20. Not the plan we imagined coming to pass, but God is gracious.

   Fast forward some time and we move to Louisiana. Being a stay at home mom allowed us more freedom with fostering and we were so excited to see where God would lead. The amount of patience He gave me in the certification process was amazing. I was content with the timeline and trusted Him to lead the way. We totally went in to fostering open to whatever the Lord wanted, knowing of course that meant a healthy, “normal” child. Boy, did He surprise us.

   After several calls for placements that ended up not working out, we got a call for a special needs child. “Special needs, Lord? Are you sure?” The list of needs ran long and I told the worker I would have to talk with my husband and call him back. The call ended with the worker saying, “Look if you could just give us two weeks to find a facility, we would appreciate it.” I presented the call to my husband in this way, “Babe, they called for a special needs little boy. I told them probably not but I wanted to let you know and tell you before I gave them a definite no.” Kyle said “Why? What’s wrong?” I began to tell Kyle the needs the child had and he said “Well why would you say no?” I was dumbfounded. Why would I say yes? His list was so long and we were so busy. We had been praying and telling the Lord we had “open hands,” meaning whatever He wanted to fill them with, we’d say yes. In tears, Kyle and I prayed for His will and then I called back to say yes-not for two weeks, but for however long they needed us. 13 months later, our first placement in Louisiana, became our second son. His needs list much shorter and a forever family, including a brother.

   

   Sometimes I wonder what Eli will say when he is older and I tell him his mama almost said no. I write with tears in my eyes thinking about my selfishness and the doubt I had at the time. I know this is all part of a greater picture and an ever bigger testimony. I know it will show him the importance of trusting the Lord’s will and being obedient to His call.

   Both of our boys, although adopted through foster care, have two completely different stories. Michael has a list of previous homes, knows the loss he suffered even in some type of gain, came to his final home already up for adoption. We didn’t walk the hard roads with him at the time, although we walk them now. We got to experience after math of heartache but have witnessed a true redemption in a one broken story.

   With Eli, we walked the whole path: visits with biological parents, court dates, termination trial, doctor appointments, diagnoses, etc. We were there to witness each heart break, with him completely unaware of them. We walked through heartbreak he really has yet to face due to not understanding. One thing is for sure though, he once was lonely and showed no affection, but now he has a family and pulls us in to kiss him.

   This is the kind of God we serve. One who tells us He will not leave us lonely and as orphans, He comes to us. (John 14:18) He rescues and provides refuge. (Psalm 34:22) He turns ashes to beauty. (Isaiah 61:3) He is a God of compassion and restores every piece. (Deuteronomy 30:3-13)

   In our process of fostering, we have had other placements and several hard goodbyes. I have sat in their rooms and lay on their beds and wept. I trust in knowing the same God who brought us our boys, is guiding and watching over them now. Not that their life will be free from pain and heart ache, but that God will heal and restore...in His perfect time, because this is the God we serve.

To the man on Delta flight 1756 from Atlanta, GA to Melbourne, FL:

To the man on Delta flight 1756 (row 38, seat D) from Atlanta, GA to Melbourne, FL: 

I would just like to let you know I heard your comments...the ones you made to your friend. I actually heard hers too. I heard the comment you made to the stranger next to you...you know the one you made that said "Don't they make muzzles for people? Is that a thing?" I got the memo when you turned up your music and held it to your ear (before you put in the headphones.) I also saw you dare your wife to say something to the parents of the crying child. I seen you make fun of my child. I seen it, I felt it, and it took all the Jesus in me not to tell you right then.

See you don't know this, but that little guy you were laughing at has had to overcome more in his four years than you probably have your whole life. I say that with confidence because if you had...you would've gate checked your nasty comments with your carry on. 

You do not know why that baby you made fun of was crying. You didn't know MY son was born to another woman. You didn't know he was born deaf and neglected his first three years of life. You didn't know that he has only been hearing for a year. You didn't know how hard we have had to fight to earn his love and trust. You didn't know he was special. 

The only thing that kept my mouth shut and from punching you in the nose was my son. My special needs son. (And a whole lotta Jesus.) 

Being a parent to a special needs child is hard and exhausting. Some days, well most days, I utter the words "I can't do this." I wake up thinking about the difficulties we may face. I go to sleep wondering what I could've done differently that day. 

I'm tired and worn out, but at the end of the day, I'd chose him 100 times again. I would chose the long days and even longer nights. He's worth every sleepless night, every mean stare, and definitely worth your rude comments. 

I wish I could tell you all the thoughts that ran through my head sitting behind you. I thought about one day when you had children. I thought about what if you had a special needs child, how that might would change you.

The tantrum he threw in the back of the plane, the one you made fun of, wasn't his fault. He does many things that aren't his fault.

But you? Your comments, attitude, and behavior have no excuse. You are a grown man who made fun of a child. An adult who made fun of a boy with special needs. You have no excuse. 

Hard Goodbyes and Following His Plans

If you look in the notes on my phone, you'll find several unfinished blog posts. I have started writing several and for many reasons never finished them. To busy to finish because we have had four kids, scared to post during a termination process due to privacy, to emotional to write as we've said some hard goodbyes, and at a loss for words because of the thankfulness I have to Jesus.

  So, since I haven't wrote a blog in about 7 months, this one may be a little all over the place trying to piece together all unfinished blogs, and catch you up on our crazy wonderful life.

Hard Goodbyes 

  Five weeks ago we said goodbye to one of the sweetest placements we've had. A small six year old girl who we nicknamed "Kat." We had Kat for ten months. Never in those months, did we think she would be ours. When she is all the way transitioned home, we probably won't get updates or talk with her. We hope so, but the chance is slim.

  Two days ago, we said goodbye to another one of our placements, two year old, "Little Girl." We've had her for almost a year. Never have I met a little girl with so much personality. She returning to her parents, who we have a great relationship with and are graciously allowing us to be "Aunt Kay and Uncle Kyle."


With each goodbye, I have to remind myself of why we foster. I have to remind myself of why we continue to take children in to our home, love them like our own, and then grieve the loss of them leaving.

 My prayer for their life is they will one day be a Christ follower and their testimonies will lead 5,000 to Him, but if God uses their stories to only touch one person, their suffering and heartache is worth it. I have to remind myself of a greater and eternal purpose that we may not yet see. I have to remind myself that God will comfort me as I grieve and He will be with them also. I have to remind myself it is not about me, only about Him. 

His Plans

When we first started fostering, we didn't think adoption was going to be such a quick step. We thought "God is calling us to foster so we will have 500 kids, invest in their families, and they'll go home." Boy did he have other plans. Not only did we adopt our very first placement, Michael, we are in the process of adopting our second son, "Baby E."

Since my last post, our sweet little guy has been freed for adoption! In less than a week, he will be ours.

From the time Kyle and I have been together we have tried to follow God's will for our life. A year and half ago, God called us to serve at a church in a small but great town in Louisiana. At that time, we thought we would be there a long time; however, God had much different plans than we did.

About 7 months after moving to Louisiana, we became certified foster parents and took our first placement. At almost 3 years old, Baby E came into our lives and nothing has been the same since. Becoming parents to a special needs child has taught us so many things about life: from a patient love to some serious medical terminology.

We will no longer be just his foster parents. He will forever be ours and we will be forever his. He will have a mama, daddy, and big brother to love and adore him! We are so excited and I am so thankful!

In February, with us knowing Eli would be adopted and us wanting the best school and therapy for him, we began to pray God would open a door and provide for him. We wanted so bad for the Lord to provide for him in our current home, but the more we prayed and sought His will, we began to realize God may be calling us somewhere else.

A few months back we were contacted by a church in Florida.  The city is on the Atlantic coast and is about 45 mins away from Orlando. The area is quite large in population and is saturated with the necessary healthcare and therapy E would need both from the school system and general audiologists and auditory-Verbal therapists.

We have joined alongside this church now in prayer and conversation for quite some time about the possibility of our family coming there to serve as Student/Music Minister, and are excited to be moving there in just a few short weeks!

There are so many things God has done for us and things that have come together that only He could receive Glory for! From our girls transitioning home at the same time to E's adoption date being moved up! We are without a doubt this is where God is leading.

We are beyond sad to leave our current church but very excited to see what the Lord is going to do there with E's therapy, serving in a new church and new place, and becoming foster parents there. (However, we've adopted our first placement in Alabama and Louisiana so I better be careful about our first placement there! Haha)

This is not the life Kyle and I had planned but one of my favorite verses, Proverbs 16:9 says, " The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps." Please pray for our family as we make this adjustment. Pray for Kyle and I as we handle the stress of these next couple months, Michael as he starts a new school, and for Baby E. We believe one day he will fully communicate!!

Blog Change

**With us moving, my blog will be going through some changes. Where we will be relocating to is further away from family so my hope is my blog will become a way to keep them updated on our family. More frequent posts, some video blogs, and eventually a facelift! Thanks for following our journey!!