A Reminder of a Promise

I think of Eli all the time but my thoughts are so much different when I am about to see him. My thoughts aren't just thinking of what he is doing, how school is going, and what he had for lunch. They go so much deeper and I am crippled by the fact that I even have to go see him. The heartache stings non stop that he isn't home with us.

In a meeting today at work I was asked what my personal goals in life were and where I saw God leading me in life. (How awesome I work for a place that even asks this.) On the blank that asked where I saw God leading me in life, I literally wrote "No idea..." and it is because of Eli and all of the uncertainty. How do you plan your life or think of the future when one of your babies is not living at home? It is so hard to dream of the things God has for us because a) I feel guilty to plan like he may not be home, b) I plan for him to be home and we have no idea what that looks like or c) because I am scared to say yes to anything out of fear because my heart is broken and my feelings are hurt.

On my way home from work, I was listening to a new song by Lauren Daigle called "Rescue" that reminds me of Eli and really helps mend my heart in that moment as He draws me to worship. I wept and prayed as I thought about a doctor's appointment we would be having tomorrow and the dreams I still have for him. I was so sad thinking of this season in life we are in without him home.

BUT GOD.

He is so faithful to remind me of who He is and that He knows when my heart is broken. He doesn't always send huge reminders like church signs (like he has done before) but He always, always sends me a sign or whispers sweet reminders that He is present.

Tonight after dinner, Kyle was looking at pictures from this past weekend when him and Michael spent the day with Eli. As soon and Michael saw the picture we were looking at he said, "There is a rainbow!" All I could think about is that rainbow and what it means. Because of Genesis 9, we know a rainbow was used by God as a reminder of a covenant He had made. I was so thankful Michael pointed out the rainbow because right on top of a picture of Eli, God was reminding me of the promise He made to us and Eli. A promise to love him and care for him, to protect him and know him, to see him and care for him, to be his Father and his Savior, to be his God.

There are days I tell God I don't understand what is going on with Eli. There are days where my heart hurts more than others. There are days that I am mad and then there are days where I am okay with whatever His plan is. But everyday, God is faithful to remind me that He has made me a promise and that He will keep them. He sees the small details in life and pursues us.

Thank you Lord for Your promises and for loving Eli more than I ever could. I will cling to Your promise and trust Your plan for our lives.

It is Well

It has been almost a year since my last blog post. Between welcoming a baby, being a full time student, working outside of the home full time, and everything else we do, it's been impossible to write. But tonight, while we are all watching tv, I decided it was time.

I don’t remember the exact date but it was about this time last year. I was sitting at the dining room table and Eli came running through the house, screaming, laughing, and had his head thrown back toward the ceiling. He stopped right in front of the kitchen bar, started spinning while looking at the ceiling, started flapping his hands, and then stopped and started crying. I thought right then, something was not right. I don’t know if it was the hand flappling or what. But I knew in that moment, the diagnoses, whatever that may be, that I fought so hard against would come.

I don’t know if every special needs parent has that defining moment, where they look at their child and realize something isn’t right. But from that moment on, something in my heart shifted. I wish I could say it made me a better parent, realizing something was different. I wish I could say it made me more patient. It didn’t.

We try to live our lives transparent and vulnerable with everyone we know. We truly believe this is the best way for God to receive the most glory. When you see the broken and ugly, you also get to see the power displayed when prayers are answered.

When we first started down this path with Eli, we kept a lot to ourselves and close friends and family, and that was usually when asked. After several months, we started to really reveal what was happening in our home: horrible aggression toward others, self harm, weekly psychiatric appointments, and multiple diagnoses.

Despite our willingness to be transparent, there is just too much to share on a daily basis. There are not enough hours in the day to update with the things we have been facing with Eli.

After many tears, prayers, and professional medical opinions, Eli entered an intense residential therapy center for children with autism and behavioral challenges. He has occupational therapy, speech therapy, behavioral therapy, and play therapy daily. He has a medical doctor and psychiatrist on his team of staff with around the clock medical and behavioral supervision. The therapy center is hopefully short term and always has a goal of returning home.

This has been an incredibly hard decision and one we fully believe the Lord has given us a peace to take. Eli moved at the beginning of July and this has been a weird adjustment for our family. For so long we struggled with what Eli needed and we know God opened this door to provide everyone with what was needed at this time.

I have to stop myself daily from asking the what if’s. What if I had accepted a diagnoses sooner? What if we sought therapy early on? What if I missed some sort of intervention because I was to busy thinking love is all he needed.

I wanted love to be all he needed so bad. After years of neglect and to an extent abuse that he suffered prior to a family, if he is surrounded by love and affection, it will change him, maybe even heal him.

I think one of the hardest realizations of being a Christian is coming to terms with the fact we all don’t get that miraculous healing that we crave. I want so bad for Eli to wake up one day talking and being able to function in a family. I pray for it. I fast for it. I hunger for it. I cry out in tears begging God for it. It’s hard, incredibly painful, when it doesn’t come for the people you love.

The past year has brought joy with welcoming Oaklyn, but the sadness of not having Eli close is horrible. It's not just that he isn't here, it's grieving for the dreams we have for him. I know God is fully capable to heal him, but I also trust He is still faithful. 

Thankfully, we have a God who draws close to us in this time and whispers intimate things. He brings you an understanding and a peace to know one day it will be different. Until that day, we wait and pray. Even when it doesn't feel good...it is well. 

Having a Special Needs Child

At the beginning of this year, I was contracted to write for an adoption website. Below is one of the articles I wrote:

Today is probably not the best day for me to write a post about how my adopted special needs child changed my life. It is a day when my “It is well” tattoo isn’t reminding me that all is well, which seems to be the case more days than not.

My day started at 6:00 am to the sound of glass breaking and screaming. My special needs son, whose diagnoses is really unfounded because of his history, freaked out over a light being turned off. He entered his grandmother’s room when he woke up, she followed him to the kitchen to fix him something for breakfast. 

You can read the rest of the article here: How My Child with Special Needs who was Adopted Changed my Life

Three Boys

I found out we were having a boy when I logged in to check the status of the lab work we had done. The lab work showed no positive markers for down syndrome or spinal bifida but also had a pop up box that said "Gender results: Do you wish to proceed?" I was at work looking at this pop up and could not help but press yes. There it was, the news we were having a boy. Thankfully it was time to get off at work, so I clocked out, printed the results, and sent Kyle a text that said "OMG I KNOW WHAT WE ARE HAVING!!!" I told him I was going to run by Publix and get something to surprise him with the gender.

When I got home, I met Kyle upstairs with a gift bag and a card. I handed him the card, which was in a in a pink envelop (on purpose) and he immediately knew it was a girl...until he opened the card and right on front it said "It's a boy!" Inside the card was the printed results and I handed him a cupcake with blue frosting. He was ecstatic, the total opposite of the reaction I had.

In the beginning, I was pretty upset to find out we were having our third boy. I really wanted a girl and had throughly convinced myself that's what we were having. I actually shed a few tears on my way home with the blue cupcake. I was very thankful to be having a healthy baby, but I really wanted to add some pink to our life and had really enjoyed being a girl mom to the few girls we got to foster.

I quickly got over my semi disappointment seeing how excited Kyle was. We had to keep this a secret because we were going to reveal the gender to our boys and family when we visited back "home" in North Alabama. The shock at the reveal party was evident when the blue balloons came out. Everyone thought and was secretly hoping for a girl.

Our Gender Reveal! It's a boy!!

Mine and Kyle's mother when the blue balloons came out!

In less than three weeks, we will welcome our third son, Oaklyn. I have zero pink items, lots of zoo animal print, and a bedding with airplanes; but I could not be more excited. As I look at the two boys God has blessed us with already, I am over joyed he thought I would be worthy enough to have one more. "Boy Mom" has an awesome ring to it if you ask me.  So now, I am going to have three boys, all with way different stories about how the Lord gave them to me.

Michael made me a mom. I may not have brought him home from the hospital or heard his first word, but I will never forget the day he showed up to my home and what it felt like to hear him call me mom for the first time. Michael was up for adoption and after 6 months it was official, I was a mom and he was my first son.

Eli may not have made me a mom but he taught me a lot about a special kind of love, one that fights for their child. We walked the whole foster to adopt road with Eli. We went through visits, meetings, unknown answers, a termination trial, and then finally adoption. We had to fight for Eli's best interest as well as a love he didn't know he needed.

The Lord gave both Michael and Eli to us through adoption, but each with their own unique story. He used each of them to shape and mold Kyle and I into parents and how to love like parents do. Now we prepare for another blessing. A new kind of love, not one that is more but one that is different. We are excited to welcome a baby in less than three weeks and thankful everyday for the Lord's blessings.

This is the God We Serve

   A little over three years ago, we welcomed our first foster child in our home. At this time we were going to foster to minister to families and strictly foster; no adoption please. It's funny how the Lord leads you to do something, doesn’t share all the details, but somehow you come up with what His plan is. Thankfully the Lord’s plan was far more than anything we could have dreamed, and that first foster placement, who was up for adoption, became our forever son in less than six months. I became a mom to a seven, almost 8, year old boy at the age of 20. Not the plan we imagined coming to pass, but God is gracious.

   Fast forward some time and we move to Louisiana. Being a stay at home mom allowed us more freedom with fostering and we were so excited to see where God would lead. The amount of patience He gave me in the certification process was amazing. I was content with the timeline and trusted Him to lead the way. We totally went in to fostering open to whatever the Lord wanted, knowing of course that meant a healthy, “normal” child. Boy, did He surprise us.

   After several calls for placements that ended up not working out, we got a call for a special needs child. “Special needs, Lord? Are you sure?” The list of needs ran long and I told the worker I would have to talk with my husband and call him back. The call ended with the worker saying, “Look if you could just give us two weeks to find a facility, we would appreciate it.” I presented the call to my husband in this way, “Babe, they called for a special needs little boy. I told them probably not but I wanted to let you know and tell you before I gave them a definite no.” Kyle said “Why? What’s wrong?” I began to tell Kyle the needs the child had and he said “Well why would you say no?” I was dumbfounded. Why would I say yes? His list was so long and we were so busy. We had been praying and telling the Lord we had “open hands,” meaning whatever He wanted to fill them with, we’d say yes. In tears, Kyle and I prayed for His will and then I called back to say yes-not for two weeks, but for however long they needed us. 13 months later, our first placement in Louisiana, became our second son. His needs list much shorter and a forever family, including a brother.

   

   Sometimes I wonder what Eli will say when he is older and I tell him his mama almost said no. I write with tears in my eyes thinking about my selfishness and the doubt I had at the time. I know this is all part of a greater picture and an ever bigger testimony. I know it will show him the importance of trusting the Lord’s will and being obedient to His call.

   Both of our boys, although adopted through foster care, have two completely different stories. Michael has a list of previous homes, knows the loss he suffered even in some type of gain, came to his final home already up for adoption. We didn’t walk the hard roads with him at the time, although we walk them now. We got to experience after math of heartache but have witnessed a true redemption in a one broken story.

   With Eli, we walked the whole path: visits with biological parents, court dates, termination trial, doctor appointments, diagnoses, etc. We were there to witness each heart break, with him completely unaware of them. We walked through heartbreak he really has yet to face due to not understanding. One thing is for sure though, he once was lonely and showed no affection, but now he has a family and pulls us in to kiss him.

   This is the kind of God we serve. One who tells us He will not leave us lonely and as orphans, He comes to us. (John 14:18) He rescues and provides refuge. (Psalm 34:22) He turns ashes to beauty. (Isaiah 61:3) He is a God of compassion and restores every piece. (Deuteronomy 30:3-13)

   In our process of fostering, we have had other placements and several hard goodbyes. I have sat in their rooms and lay on their beds and wept. I trust in knowing the same God who brought us our boys, is guiding and watching over them now. Not that their life will be free from pain and heart ache, but that God will heal and restore...in His perfect time, because this is the God we serve.

To the man on Delta flight 1756 from Atlanta, GA to Melbourne, FL:

To the man on Delta flight 1756 (row 38, seat D) from Atlanta, GA to Melbourne, FL: 

I would just like to let you know I heard your comments...the ones you made to your friend. I actually heard hers too. I heard the comment you made to the stranger next to you...you know the one you made that said "Don't they make muzzles for people? Is that a thing?" I got the memo when you turned up your music and held it to your ear (before you put in the headphones.) I also saw you dare your wife to say something to the parents of the crying child. I seen you make fun of my child. I seen it, I felt it, and it took all the Jesus in me not to tell you right then.

See you don't know this, but that little guy you were laughing at has had to overcome more in his four years than you probably have your whole life. I say that with confidence because if you had...you would've gate checked your nasty comments with your carry on. 

You do not know why that baby you made fun of was crying. You didn't know MY son was born to another woman. You didn't know he was born deaf and neglected his first three years of life. You didn't know that he has only been hearing for a year. You didn't know how hard we have had to fight to earn his love and trust. You didn't know he was special. 

The only thing that kept my mouth shut and from punching you in the nose was my son. My special needs son. (And a whole lotta Jesus.) 

Being a parent to a special needs child is hard and exhausting. Some days, well most days, I utter the words "I can't do this." I wake up thinking about the difficulties we may face. I go to sleep wondering what I could've done differently that day. 

I'm tired and worn out, but at the end of the day, I'd chose him 100 times again. I would chose the long days and even longer nights. He's worth every sleepless night, every mean stare, and definitely worth your rude comments. 

I wish I could tell you all the thoughts that ran through my head sitting behind you. I thought about one day when you had children. I thought about what if you had a special needs child, how that might would change you.

The tantrum he threw in the back of the plane, the one you made fun of, wasn't his fault. He does many things that aren't his fault.

But you? Your comments, attitude, and behavior have no excuse. You are a grown man who made fun of a child. An adult who made fun of a boy with special needs. You have no excuse. 

Hard Goodbyes and Following His Plans

If you look in the notes on my phone, you'll find several unfinished blog posts. I have started writing several and for many reasons never finished them. To busy to finish because we have had four kids, scared to post during a termination process due to privacy, to emotional to write as we've said some hard goodbyes, and at a loss for words because of the thankfulness I have to Jesus.

  So, since I haven't wrote a blog in about 7 months, this one may be a little all over the place trying to piece together all unfinished blogs, and catch you up on our crazy wonderful life.

Hard Goodbyes 

  Five weeks ago we said goodbye to one of the sweetest placements we've had. A small six year old girl who we nicknamed "Kat." We had Kat for ten months. Never in those months, did we think she would be ours. When she is all the way transitioned home, we probably won't get updates or talk with her. We hope so, but the chance is slim.

  Two days ago, we said goodbye to another one of our placements, two year old, "Little Girl." We've had her for almost a year. Never have I met a little girl with so much personality. She returning to her parents, who we have a great relationship with and are graciously allowing us to be "Aunt Kay and Uncle Kyle."


With each goodbye, I have to remind myself of why we foster. I have to remind myself of why we continue to take children in to our home, love them like our own, and then grieve the loss of them leaving.

 My prayer for their life is they will one day be a Christ follower and their testimonies will lead 5,000 to Him, but if God uses their stories to only touch one person, their suffering and heartache is worth it. I have to remind myself of a greater and eternal purpose that we may not yet see. I have to remind myself that God will comfort me as I grieve and He will be with them also. I have to remind myself it is not about me, only about Him. 

His Plans

When we first started fostering, we didn't think adoption was going to be such a quick step. We thought "God is calling us to foster so we will have 500 kids, invest in their families, and they'll go home." Boy did he have other plans. Not only did we adopt our very first placement, Michael, we are in the process of adopting our second son, "Baby E."

Since my last post, our sweet little guy has been freed for adoption! In less than a week, he will be ours.

From the time Kyle and I have been together we have tried to follow God's will for our life. A year and half ago, God called us to serve at a church in a small but great town in Louisiana. At that time, we thought we would be there a long time; however, God had much different plans than we did.

About 7 months after moving to Louisiana, we became certified foster parents and took our first placement. At almost 3 years old, Baby E came into our lives and nothing has been the same since. Becoming parents to a special needs child has taught us so many things about life: from a patient love to some serious medical terminology.

We will no longer be just his foster parents. He will forever be ours and we will be forever his. He will have a mama, daddy, and big brother to love and adore him! We are so excited and I am so thankful!

In February, with us knowing Eli would be adopted and us wanting the best school and therapy for him, we began to pray God would open a door and provide for him. We wanted so bad for the Lord to provide for him in our current home, but the more we prayed and sought His will, we began to realize God may be calling us somewhere else.

A few months back we were contacted by a church in Florida.  The city is on the Atlantic coast and is about 45 mins away from Orlando. The area is quite large in population and is saturated with the necessary healthcare and therapy E would need both from the school system and general audiologists and auditory-Verbal therapists.

We have joined alongside this church now in prayer and conversation for quite some time about the possibility of our family coming there to serve as Student/Music Minister, and are excited to be moving there in just a few short weeks!

There are so many things God has done for us and things that have come together that only He could receive Glory for! From our girls transitioning home at the same time to E's adoption date being moved up! We are without a doubt this is where God is leading.

We are beyond sad to leave our current church but very excited to see what the Lord is going to do there with E's therapy, serving in a new church and new place, and becoming foster parents there. (However, we've adopted our first placement in Alabama and Louisiana so I better be careful about our first placement there! Haha)

This is not the life Kyle and I had planned but one of my favorite verses, Proverbs 16:9 says, " The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps." Please pray for our family as we make this adjustment. Pray for Kyle and I as we handle the stress of these next couple months, Michael as he starts a new school, and for Baby E. We believe one day he will fully communicate!!

Blog Change

**With us moving, my blog will be going through some changes. Where we will be relocating to is further away from family so my hope is my blog will become a way to keep them updated on our family. More frequent posts, some video blogs, and eventually a facelift! Thanks for following our journey!!

Does it get easier?

   
  Right now I'm sitting in a waiting room while our sweet three year old, Baby E, is having a 3-4 hour surgery to have implants to restore hearing loss. I'm sitting with my husband and a dear friend who flew from home to be with us. We scroll through Facebook, work on homework, and talk as we wait for updates about our little guy. You know who's not here? You could probably guess, but it's his "real mom."
 
  A couple weeks ago I was in the waiting room at the state building and a new foster mom started asking me questions. She asked how long I had been one and then she asked a question she knew the answer to but didn't want to hear. As she held a 4 month old baby she said, "Does it ever get easier?" I looked at this mom and wanted so bad to say yes. But I told her the truth, "Not at all." I said it because it's the truth. It never gets easier.

  I'm not sure what she was implying: visits, unknowns, sharing your child, waiting, fostering? Nothing gets easier. I sit in this waiting room not promised tomorrow with him. I sit clinging to words of doctors, waiting for a phone update. I sit waiting to see him and try to comfort him as he wakes. I sit waiting as his mom.

  The nurse will come out and ask for his parents to come speak to the doctor. We are the ones who she gives instructions to. We are the ones who will be there when he wakes up. We are the ones who will take a fussy baby home. We are the ones who will miss sleep. We are the ones who have to help him recover. We are his parents.

  Nothing about this is easy. At some point you start to want these babies with everything inside you. At some point you realize that loosing them will be the hardest thing you face.Visits are hard. Sharing your baby is hard. Knowing they may not be yours makes everything hard. It never gets easier.

  The only thing that's easy is loving these babies like they are your own. These children need families. These children need love. These children need comfort. These children need us. It never gets easier but it's always worth it.

A Sign of Hope

 Today has been an emotional day for me. Every other Tuesday we have a visit with Baby E's birth mom but this is the first day the thought of their visit hurt my heart. I guess it hurt because we are drawing closer to the end of her time to complete her case plan, we have no idea what she has completed, and if he does go back to her it could be soon. Everyone who starts fostering knows their is a possibility of reunification and that is always the state's first goal but it doesn't make the hurt less.

  For us, he's ours and to him we are his, but to the legal system, he belongs to a woman he doesn't know.

  We haven't had any hint as to what his future with us holds until today. As my heart ached on the way to the visit, I prayed for a hint as to where we may be at. My heart was torn because I don't want her to fail but Baby E needs to remain with us to have his needs met. He's come such a long way since he's been with us.

  When I got to the office I sent Kyle a text that said:

"I was thinking and praying on the way here and the church at where I turn to come to DCFS sign said "Pray. Believe. Receive." I've been praying but apart of me hasn't been believing. I have to trust E is going to be ours. If it comes to be He's not, God is still God but I believe he will be ours."

  We went in at the office to find out that mom decided not to show, for the third time in two months. I'm thankful Baby E doesn't realize when this happens. While we were there the social worker wanted to speak with me about where everything was. I can't share many details but let me say God is so good. 10 minutes after I prayed for God to just give me a little hope, He gave me hope and then some. Nothing is ever certain until a judge says so, but we do have reason to believe Baby E will be ours and we are filled with joy.

  Although our hearts have so much joy, there is also much sadness. If and when the moment comes where Baby E is ours, another woman will be losing something. A day where we will gain a son, another mom and dad will be losing one.

  So as we move forward in hopes of Baby E being ours, please pray for his birth family. We are overjoyed at the thought of him being ours but sadden to know it means loss for someone else.

The Child I Could Not Care For

  My heart aches as I write this post. These past 24 hours have been incredibly hard for us. At 9:00pm on August 13th the little guy we nicknamed "Little J" came into our home and around 1:30pm on August 14th he was no longer in my care. I can't give many details but it was due to medical problems. 

  He was one of the sweetest and most gentle little guys we have ever met. He was a wonderful little boy with a sad story. 

  Little J was not hard, we just could not meet his needs. The hardest thing for Kyle and I was realizing his needs were far to great for us to care for, especially with three other children in our home. Little J needed lots of extra care that wouldn't be possible for us to manage. Telling our social worker I felt like I would not be able to care for him was the hardest thing I have had to do since we began fostering.

  I have wanted to throw the towel in on a few kids before. Sounds horrible but I'm being honest. Sometimes you get a child who is just really hard. Sometimes so hard you contemplate calling and telling them you can't deal. This wasn't the case for Little J. It hurt so bad because I wanted to be the one who could care for him. I wanted to nurse him back to good health and watch this little guy start thriving. It broke my heart to have to say I couldn't be that person for him. 

  Even though we had him for a night, we served a purpose. We fulfilled the need the best we could and for as long as we could. I will think of Little J every day. Even though he was only in our home for a short time, he will forever be in our hearts. He may not ever remember us, but I will forever remember him. 

To the child I could not care for:

   You are a special boy. You may have only been in our home for a moment but we will always remember you. The hardest thing for me was to not be who you needed. I could love you but I couldn't care for your medical needs. I was not the best for you and the best is what you deserve. I hope to see you healthy and thriving one day.

 

We truly love you. 

I May Have Lost My Mind

 Some days I'm pretty certain I have lost my mind. These days normally contain dirty dishes, grumpy kids, and lots of laundry and since all of these things have multiplied, I feel this way a good bit. I also feel this way when I get the great idea to take all of my children into Walmart with me. 

  We were licensed here in Louisiana at the end of May and on June third we got our first placement. A two year old little boy. We weren't told a lot of positives about him because he had some special needs. We were told he was deaf, couldn't see well, and maybe some other needs. He has been a "life changer" for sure but not because of his delays, but because we are in love with this little boy. He has taught us so much. He is the happiest baby I've ever seen and brings us great joy. It's also great to see Michael love on him! 

  

Then June 15, I took a placement of two boys, 6 and 4. I say "I took a placement" because "I" really did. Kyle was out of town...so for two days I had 4 boys in my house: 2, 4, 6, and 8! I only had them two days but in those two days I really felt like I had lost my mind. But, it was also fun! Especially when we lost power from 5:00-9:30 at night. 5-8 wasn't so bad, but then it got warm and dark. So we had Burger King for dinner and a late bedtime!

  

  July 2, we took another placement. A 5 year old girl. I was excited about having another girl in our home. She showed up and the first thing out of her mouth was "I'm here to live with yall! Where's my room?" A song lyric by Taylor Swift sums it up, "I knew you were trouble when you walked in." This little bitty 5 year old girl came in with a punch and so much sass!! But as soon as she came in, she had our hearts. She has a great smile and loving heart. I love her as much as she loves Elsa, and that is a lot. She should be going home soon and I can't imagine her not being here, but I'm excited for her to be joining her mom! Her mom is a wonderful lady and I hope to continue to be apart of their life! 

  So here we are, enjoying life with our son who is now 9, and our foster loves, 5 year old Elsa and Baby E who just turned 3.

  I stay tired, worn out, and stressed to the max. I forget stuff all the time. Here's a funny story: We signed Michael up at a local 3 day camp. I thought he went Thursday thru Saturday! So you can imagine my surprise when a friend tagged me in a picture (on Monday) of the camp trying to find Michael in it. His camp was from Monday-Thursday!! This is at 3:30pm and he was supposed to be there at noon! We rushed to get him packed and ready! He ended up having. A great time! Kyle and I have nicknamed this "third kid syndrome." It's funny now but I was so upset with myself over it. I was sure I had lost my mind. Three kids? What was I thinking?!

  

  Even though I feel overwhelmed sometimes, I wouldn't trade this life for anything! A friend of mine joked about thinking I was crazy when we said yes to three kids. I laughed but I was thinking "Everyone is really going to think we are nuts when we say yes to another one." We look crazy and maybe sound crazy, but there is no greater joy than to be serving the Lord and being in His will. We love this chaotic life and I look forward to growing!

  Kyle and I try to live with what we call "open hands" and allow the Lord to place whatever or whoever in them. When we get a call about a child or have to make a decision we ask the question "Does this glorify God?" And if it does, we say yes. God seems to get the most glory when what you're doing is labeled "crazy" or no one understands. 

  We are 22 and currently have three kids. Only one of those is technically "ours" but we love each one like our own so while they are here..they are mine. 

  It's funny to think about what being crazy in love with Jesus has done to our lives. Our life is not how I pictured it would be. It's better, even on the days I feel like I have lost my mind. I wouldn't trade this life for anything. I'm thankful His ways are greater. I may have lost my mind, but "I found my life when I laid it down." (Hillsong's "Touch the Sky")

-Another Adoption Story- "A few phone calls that would change our lives forever and a tribute to our daughters biological mother."

  Adoption has always been dear to my heart. The first story of adoption I knew was my Aunt Paula and Uncle Jack's. They adopted my cousin. I remember loving their story from a young age and thinking of how sweet it was to take a child not of blood but love them as their own. 
  I recently wrote a blog about their decision to take their daughter to speak with her biological mom before she passed away. I haven't posted the blog yet because when I shared with my aunt what I planned to post, I also asked her to write their story. They have always been an "open book" when it came to their story, so when I asked she said she would. I wanted to post their story before I posted the blog I wrote.



 This is their story.


A few phone calls that would change our lives forever and a tribute to our daughter’s biological mother:

After years of infertility we had come to the conclusion that we would never have children.  We had already been married for 12 years and have went through endometriosis, about five surgeries, and fertility drugs, only to end up with a hysterectomy due to my fallen and twisted uterus.  I told the doctor to take it all as I was done and no one was going back in.

Less than a year later was one of the phone calls that changed our lives forever.  Our niece wanted to come over right then and there to talk to us.  We didn’t know what was going on until she arrived with her mother, my husband’s sister.  Our 14 year old niece was five months pregnant and hid it from everyone.  She couldn’t hide it any longer and already decided what she was going to do.  She told her mother and then asked her to take her over to her Uncle and Aunt’s house (us).  She then proceeded to tell us that she was pregnant.  But that was not the reason why she wanted to see us.  She asked us to adopt her baby.

Of course, after the shock wore off, our faces lit up like GOD shining his light down on us.  We both just looked at one another.  I don’t think at that time any words were exchanged between us.  It was like we were reading each other’s mind.  I know our niece was already on pins and needles with telling her mom and us that she was pregnant and for her to sit there waiting on us to say something.  At that point, we realized for one, that our niece might be 14 years old, but she was making the most grown up and selfless decision as person could make.  A sacrifice for the child she was carrying, to have a life that she thought she could never give at that point in her life.  She told us that she would like for this baby to stay in the family, because it was family.  And that the only thing she thought about was “us”.  It was a decision she had decided when she found out she was pregnant.

Our hearts were screaming “YES YES YES”.  But our heads had to wrap around what was happening.  To raise someone else’s child as your own--Could we do it?  Could you do it?  You know what?  You can and we did.

After all of the legal mumbo jumbo, all of the doctor’s appointments and then finally the delivery of a beautiful, healthy and loud little girl; it was all worth it.  Our niece made an ultimate sacrifice that we will always be grateful .  She will always hold the utmost respect from us for doing what she did.  She put her child first, before her own wants.  We know that that was not an easy decision for anyone to ever have to make, let alone a 14 year old girl.  But she was not a girl, she was a woman, who had more guts than anyone ever could have imagined.  She handed her over to her Uncle and said “Here’s your daughter”.  It was like a dream that I just couldn’t wake up from.

We know that she had to face some very hard emotions.  But she said that she gave her word and that was all she owned.  The daughter that she gave birth to, was now ours.  What do you say to that?  But “Thank you”.  And to make a promise to her that this little girl would never want or need for anything in life.  And that is the promise that we have kept and will keep giving.  Was it enough for her?  We didn’t know, but she gave her word and we gave ours.

Our niece distanced herself from everyone throughout the years as we guessed was her way of coping and handling what she had done.  I know it wasn’t easy.  There is no way that it was.  We always wanted her to be around and guess we didn’t realize how hard it was on her.

The second and third phone calls were bad and good.  Our niece at the age of 24 had breast cancer.  She went through chemo and radiation.  The good news was that she went into remission.

The fourth phone call at her tender age of 30 years old, was that the cancer was back and with a vengeance.  It had spread to her lungs, liver and bones.  They were going to try chemo again, but that it had spread too hard and fast and that she was lucky if she would make it six months.

Now all of this time throughout our daughter’s life, we told her she was adopted and who her biological mother was.  We told her about the cancer the first time she had it and it was even harder to tell her the last time, knowing that the outcome would not be good.  But that did not stop us from doing a lot of praying and a lot of crying.  I wanted to drop everything and go to her, but certain issues made it difficult for us to go see her at that time.  She wanted to see her biological daughter and our daughter wanted to see her biological mother.

Through the next couple of months talking back and forth with our niece, it was time to make that trip so they could see each other and talk about the “Why’s”.  Being our niece and watching her go thru this terrible pain of cancer was bad enough.  But to us, what was harder, was listening to her tell our daughter why she did what she did.  She held her close and kissed and loved her like a mother would.  She told her that she did what she thought was best her, because she could not take care of a baby being so young and having nothing.  She also told her that she made the best decision for her because her other children have grown up with nothing.   And that she would do what she did again in a heartbeat.  I think we all left the room several times.  We just could not keep it together.  We tried as hard as we could.  But our niece had the hardest job and there was nothing that we could do to help her.  We shared a very special bond and always will.

On April 18, we received the last call that changed our lives forever (in less than 5 months from when we found out that her cancer had come back).  Our beautiful niece, Brittany Schie Thetford Davidson, had passed away from cancer.  She had just turned 31 years old.  She left a big impact on our lives and will forever.  She not only gave a child a better life, but she gave us a better life with a beautiful daughter, that at the age of 16 years old, is the spitting image of our niece, her biological mother.

We shared a journey with you and hope that we said “Thank you” enough.  You gave us something that was never going to be within reach for us.  We really don’t think there is enough love and words to express how we feel for what you did for us; for her.  But we will be sure to catch up on everything when we see each other again.  May you rest in peace, our Angel with wings.

You know it doesn’t matter who, what, when, where or why.  Adoption comes in many different forms and many different ways.  They are all different circumstances to each and every one of them.  Just know that you can love an adopted child as if they are your biological children.  They all deserve to be loved and cared for, relative or not.  It doesn’t matter.  If you have the love in your heart, there is no difference.  Adopt--- We did.


I am so thankful for my Aunt Paula and Uncle Jack. I am close to all of my family but they hold a special place in my heart. Although our adoption stories are very different, they understand the road we have traveled and are always there when I need them. 

Aunt Pay and UJ,
Thank you for always being willing to share your story with me. Thank you for always being two people I can count on in life to be there for us. Every moment in my life you have stood beside me and loved me. From me telling you I was getting married right out of high school, to me telling you we were fostering and maybe adopting. You have always been some of my biggest supporters. I love you and thank God for you!

His Timing is Perfect

  I've wanted to write a blog for sometime about where we were with fostering here in Louisiana. Every time I wrote one, I ended up deleting it.

  Late last night I wrote a blog about having to find patience in waiting. I wrote how we had been in limbo with the DHR here trying to get licensed using our classes from Alabama.

  I was in constant prayer over the whole situation. I wanted to keep trying to rush the process but the Lord wanted me to be still. I didn't want to rush the Lord's timing but I so desperately wanted it quickly. So as I wrote last night's blog, I prayed. I prayed for His will to be done, for no more bumps in the road caused from document errors, and for the child or children who would be placed in our home. I also prayed for my heart to be still.

  I just wanted to hear from someone and know where we were in the process. The last update I had was two weeks ago. We were told the supervisor would look over all of our documents from Alabama and if they transferred they would assign us to a case worker, let us know if we needed anymore documents, and set up a home study. I know DHR is busy so I was worried it would take forever. It's not I was desperate for more children but I wanted to know our credits would transfer. It's also exciting to know you are doing something the Lord has called you to do!

 I'm thankful for answered prayers! It is sweet to know our God hears us when we call.
 
  I received a call this morning from our assigned caseworker. (A plus is our assigned case worker is who we have been in contact with throughout the whole process.) He called with not only an update but with good news. All of our documents transferred! The only thing we have to do to be licensed is get updated medical physicals and pass our home study! Our home study is scheduled for next Thursday!

  We are all very excited to be starting again, especially Michael. Our case worker told us we would probably have a placement soon after being licensed. They are full with not many homes. We know the Lord has big plans here! Our hearts are ready and waiting.

I'm praying no child "needs" us but I'm also praying for the ones who will.

Pray with me.

An Open Letter to Our Son's Birth Mother

  I know you've found my blog. I know you've found out who we are. I know you have seen pictures of him and even posted them as your own. You probably have even seen we have moved out of state. I'm also sure you have formed opinions of us and even his life. I know you've seen he calls us mom and dad, and when he draws his "family," it's clear it's us.
   But one thing I hope you have seen is that Michael is happy. He has adjusted once again to a new home and lifestyle. He's made friends and has a large extended family. He's excited to finally have the stability he has now. I also want you to see that he is LOVED. We love and adore him.   However, I want you to know a piece of his heart will always be yours. Sometimes it's hard for me to admit that, but he loves you more than words can explain. He talks about you a lot and he remembers you. He's not forgotten how much you love him.
  He has a picture of you and his siblings that we openly let him have. He decides where they go. He loves to look at them. He even worries about you. When it storms, his first thought is that you're safe.
  One thing you probably do not know is, we love you too. There is a love in our hearts for you that is unexplainable. We never talk bad about you. We always hold you to a higher standard. We pray for you every night with him. We pray for your safety and for God's protection on your life.
  We pray for your protection because we want to meet you one day. We will be the first to drive Michael to see you when we feel  he is ready. It will be when he is much older, but you can rest to know when he is ready, you will see him. He is content and happy, and any contact now would confuse him and not be good.
  I also know you will see this blog. I'm writing this to you so you know where we stand. I also write this hoping you will respect where he is in his life. I ask for respect because we respect you. I know this is hard, but I ask for you to trust where the Lord has placed him. Trust that he is being taken care of and we make every decision for him in prayer.
  The truth we both have to accept is we share a son. We even share his heart. But one thing you have to accept is we don't share custody. When we swore to the state we would care for him, we meant it. This isn't an "open adoption." He is our son and we will do everything to ensure he is safe, loved, and cared for.   We will continue to pray and love you. We will continue to talk highly of you. We will continue to talk of the days in the future when he can see you again. But for now, please keep your distance, for the benefit of everyone.

We are moving!

  Kyle and I are so excited about this next season in our life. We have been in continuous prayer over the past few months. It's been hard to keep what the Lord is doing in our lives a secret, but we couldn't fully expand on it yet. 

  In February of this year, Kyle and I felt as though the Lord would be leading our family to move so we began praying about it. Our adoption wasn't final yet so we knew it would at least be after that. 

  We were still in staff position at our church but we knew God was telling us our time there was drawing to a close. That was the hardest part. We loved the church we were serving in. We were always supported and really loved the people.

  We talked with a couple churches here and there. Nothing really serious, but we stayed hopeful because we knew God would open a door. In the beginning of August, we got a call from a church in Louisiana. We thought "Louisiana?? Would God really be calling us to there?" Not to mention we had no idea where they would have gotten Kyle's resume. We still aren't really sure and neither are they. 

  Fast forward a few weeks and we make a trip to Louisiana. We really enjoyed it and so did Michael. We met the committee and really just fell in love with the people of this church. Thankfully, the church felt the same way and we both wanted to proceed. 

  A couple weeks later, October 3rd actually, we resigned from our church. We had not been voted in by the church in LA or knew of a timeline of a move. We really didn't know it was a "for sure" thing. God just made it clear it was the best time for us to resign and we did. We stepped out on faith knowing our God would supply all our needs.

  So now, in this new season, God is relocating our family to Louisiana. Kyle has accepted a full time ministry position for youth and worship pastor! We are excited about this new time in our lives! We are moving to a small town about 9 hours from home! Through this whole process, God has moved in ways unimaginable. God is so faithful when you are obedient to Him!

  As we start this new chapter in our lives, please keep us in your prayers. Kyle, Michael, and I are excited to be moving. Michael has already made new friends and looking forward to us being here! 

 

  

Trust Without Borders

  The first time I ever heard Hillsong's "Oceans" was two nights before we met Michael and he moved into our home. We made a last minute trip to Atlanta to go to a Hillsong concert, talk with them about attending their college in Australia, and to see some family. The college sounded amazing, but we just didn't feel like the Lord would be leading us to Australia, especially since he had made it clear we were to foster.

  After the college preview, we waited in the car until closer to time for the concert to start. During this time, I was able to speak with M's foster mom at the time. He sounded like he was the perfect fit for our family. We learned all about him. Like how he wasn't big into sports, which we were kind of excited about since we aren't dying to sit in cold weather for baseball. We learned he loved to draw, he loved Spider-Man, what the past few years of his life looked like and how he desperately wanted a forever family.

The first picture we seen of Michael.

  At this time, we had only agreed to take him for temporary foster care. We didn't think we would adopt as soon as we started foster care. Flash forward and in less than a 6 months he was adopted. He had a forever family.
  
  That's what singing the song "Oceans" does, only when you mean it with your whole heart. Like most Christian songs, when sung live at a concert, "Oceans" was played for many minutes. From beginning to end. At least six or seven times I heard this song repeated. By the end of it, Kyle and I knew every word. Nothing is more beautiful than hearing thousands of people singing praises to His name. Along with everyone else, we sang every word. But at one point, I went from singing this song to praying the lyrics.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wonder, and my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior."

  Those lyrics flowed from my lips and I meant every word. I stopped and asked the Lord to give me this life. A life that would take me past my borders, to take me places that would only strengthen my faith, and take me into His presence. I wanted something big to happen in our life that would make me fully trust the Lord and that would give Him glory.

  That night after the concert, in our hotel room, Kyle and I both agreed in this prayer. We both talked about those lyrics and how we truly wanted that. We wanted something radical.

Never did I think the answer to that prayer would show up in the shape of a seven year old boy.

  Not only did we pray for our life, we prayed for Michael. He never left our minds from the moment we learned he would be coming to our home. We prayed that God would give him a forever family. It's mind blowing to think how God intertwined those prayers. Our trust without borders lead us to be Michael's forever family. Isn't it wonderful, how God works?

  I invite you to pray for a trust without borders, but if you do, be ready. A "trust without borders" could lead you to a place outside of your comfort zone. It could lead you to adopting a 7 year old, fostering 6 kids at one time, or on a mission trip to South Africa. It could lead you to sell all of your things. It could lead you to move across state lines.

 It could lead you to many things, but one thing it will do, is lead you into something bigger than yourself. It will make you fall more in love with Christ and trust Him deeper than you could imagine.

Kyle and I at the Hillsong Concert in Atlanta, Georgia. 

The first picture of all three of us. The day after he moved in. Love at first sight.

Stability in Fostering

  Someone recently told me fostering after adopting an older child is hard because of the way it effects the adopted child. They told me an adopted child needs stability and with having children come in and out, they don't have that.

I disagree.

  I do agree an adopted child needs stability. However, I think fostering clearly provides that. Nothing has taught Michael more stability than seeing children come and go, but he stays. Michael has lived in eight homes. When Michael first came to us, he thought he had been adopted eight times. He had been promised adoption at a few of those homes, so he assumed each time he had been adopted.

  People do not know how hard it is to "rewire" the way a child thinks, especially when it sounds like the same spill the last family gave. Having to convince Michael "this time" was going to be different was the hardest thing we have had to do. Nothing has taught Michael this is his forever family than seeing other children move. He finally has the same feeling that birth children have. He has never been an only child so, every time he left a home, he left a sister or brother. He has left a home when other children got to stay. Michael staying has taught him was stability means.
  
  In the last 10 months, we have had 10 foster children in our home. Each time one leaves, it makes me thankful for the one who has stayed. It makes me thankful God chose to make Michael ours. It makes me love on M a little more, just so he knows he is ours. Many people ask how M feels about having other foster children come and go or how it effects him. Michael know EXACTLY how these children feel when they come in. He knows the loneliness and confusion they feel. Michael has a lot in common most of the time with the foster children who come in. I have heard Michael tell just about all of them, "I was a foster child too but I was adopted!" Michael has already started sharing his testimony before he knows what one is. Michael loves to hear their stories.

  Michael loves having other foster children in our home. Partly because he's an only child and loves having someone to play with. When we know the children are only here for a night or two, it often feels like a slumber party. We don't change our schedules too much but there is more flexibility. 

  Fostering teaches Michael the same thing it teaches Kyle and I. It teaches him the love of Christ more and more. It teaches us to be thankful for the life we have. It also teaches us that sometimes God calls you to do really hard things.  Fostering teaches us to lean on Christ for understanding. Fostering is hard. Fostering can break your heart.

  My last blog was about how hard it was going to be when GG left. Let me tell you, it was hard and it's still hard. We talk about her often and I think about her everyday. It wasn't just hard on me, but we all shed tears. Sometimes it's hard for Michael to see these kids leave. The last group of three we had was probably the hardest for him. He was close to one's age and the other two really enjoyed playing with him. He was heartbroken when they left. I tell Michael "Christ will give them a home just like He gave you. It may be with their birth mom, it may take awhile to get a "home," but they will have one."

  There are times Michael is ready for them to leave. Sometimes he says he is ready for it to just be us. Sometimes he doesn't like the other kids who come in. Sometimes they just don't get along. But I want him to learn the same things from these times as when it's hard to see them leave. 
  
  As much as I want to guard Michael's heart from being broke, I want him to know there is joy in the pain. I want him to learn surrendering our life for Christ means trusting in His plan. I want him to know the peace that comes from obeying Christ even when we don't understand. I want Him to know that God's will is not always what we think it should be. I want him to see Christ can heal our wounds and give us peace that passes all understanding. I want fostering to be an avenue Christ can use to show Michael His love for us and the love we should have for others. I want Michael to love because He first loved us.

  Fostering has taught Michael compassion and love. It has taught him to be welcoming and friendly. It has taught him to be what he needed when he moved homes. It has taught Michael lessons I could not teach. It has taught Michael he is no longer a "foster kid" but a part of our family. It has taught Michael this is "more than a roof" but a home.