I recently wrote a blog about their decision to take their daughter to speak with her biological mom before she passed away. I haven't posted the blog yet because when I shared with my aunt what I planned to post, I also asked her to write their story. They have always been an "open book" when it came to their story, so when I asked she said she would. I wanted to post their story before I posted the blog I wrote.
This is their story.
A few phone calls that would change our lives forever and a tribute to our daughter’s biological mother:
After years of infertility we had come to the conclusion that we would never have children. We had already been married for 12 years and have went through endometriosis, about five surgeries, and fertility drugs, only to end up with a hysterectomy due to my fallen and twisted uterus. I told the doctor to take it all as I was done and no one was going back in.
Less than a year later was one of the phone calls that changed our lives forever. Our niece wanted to come over right then and there to talk to us. We didn’t know what was going on until she arrived with her mother, my husband’s sister. Our 14 year old niece was five months pregnant and hid it from everyone. She couldn’t hide it any longer and already decided what she was going to do. She told her mother and then asked her to take her over to her Uncle and Aunt’s house (us). She then proceeded to tell us that she was pregnant. But that was not the reason why she wanted to see us. She asked us to adopt her baby.
Of course, after the shock wore off, our faces lit up like GOD shining his light down on us. We both just looked at one another. I don’t think at that time any words were exchanged between us. It was like we were reading each other’s mind. I know our niece was already on pins and needles with telling her mom and us that she was pregnant and for her to sit there waiting on us to say something. At that point, we realized for one, that our niece might be 14 years old, but she was making the most grown up and selfless decision as person could make. A sacrifice for the child she was carrying, to have a life that she thought she could never give at that point in her life. She told us that she would like for this baby to stay in the family, because it was family. And that the only thing she thought about was “us”. It was a decision she had decided when she found out she was pregnant.
Our hearts were screaming “YES YES YES”. But our heads had to wrap around what was happening. To raise someone else’s child as your own--Could we do it? Could you do it? You know what? You can and we did.
After all of the legal mumbo jumbo, all of the doctor’s appointments and then finally the delivery of a beautiful, healthy and loud little girl; it was all worth it. Our niece made an ultimate sacrifice that we will always be grateful . She will always hold the utmost respect from us for doing what she did. She put her child first, before her own wants. We know that that was not an easy decision for anyone to ever have to make, let alone a 14 year old girl. But she was not a girl, she was a woman, who had more guts than anyone ever could have imagined. She handed her over to her Uncle and said “Here’s your daughter”. It was like a dream that I just couldn’t wake up from.
We know that she had to face some very hard emotions. But she said that she gave her word and that was all she owned. The daughter that she gave birth to, was now ours. What do you say to that? But “Thank you”. And to make a promise to her that this little girl would never want or need for anything in life. And that is the promise that we have kept and will keep giving. Was it enough for her? We didn’t know, but she gave her word and we gave ours.
Our niece distanced herself from everyone throughout the years as we guessed was her way of coping and handling what she had done. I know it wasn’t easy. There is no way that it was. We always wanted her to be around and guess we didn’t realize how hard it was on her.
The second and third phone calls were bad and good. Our niece at the age of 24 had breast cancer. She went through chemo and radiation. The good news was that she went into remission.
The fourth phone call at her tender age of 30 years old, was that the cancer was back and with a vengeance. It had spread to her lungs, liver and bones. They were going to try chemo again, but that it had spread too hard and fast and that she was lucky if she would make it six months.
Now all of this time throughout our daughter’s life, we told her she was adopted and who her biological mother was. We told her about the cancer the first time she had it and it was even harder to tell her the last time, knowing that the outcome would not be good. But that did not stop us from doing a lot of praying and a lot of crying. I wanted to drop everything and go to her, but certain issues made it difficult for us to go see her at that time. She wanted to see her biological daughter and our daughter wanted to see her biological mother.
Through the next couple of months talking back and forth with our niece, it was time to make that trip so they could see each other and talk about the “Why’s”. Being our niece and watching her go thru this terrible pain of cancer was bad enough. But to us, what was harder, was listening to her tell our daughter why she did what she did. She held her close and kissed and loved her like a mother would. She told her that she did what she thought was best her, because she could not take care of a baby being so young and having nothing. She also told her that she made the best decision for her because her other children have grown up with nothing. And that she would do what she did again in a heartbeat. I think we all left the room several times. We just could not keep it together. We tried as hard as we could. But our niece had the hardest job and there was nothing that we could do to help her. We shared a very special bond and always will.
On April 18, we received the last call that changed our lives forever (in less than 5 months from when we found out that her cancer had come back). Our beautiful niece, Brittany Schie Thetford Davidson, had passed away from cancer. She had just turned 31 years old. She left a big impact on our lives and will forever. She not only gave a child a better life, but she gave us a better life with a beautiful daughter, that at the age of 16 years old, is the spitting image of our niece, her biological mother.
We shared a journey with you and hope that we said “Thank you” enough. You gave us something that was never going to be within reach for us. We really don’t think there is enough love and words to express how we feel for what you did for us; for her. But we will be sure to catch up on everything when we see each other again. May you rest in peace, our Angel with wings.
You know it doesn’t matter who, what, when, where or why. Adoption comes in many different forms and many different ways. They are all different circumstances to each and every one of them. Just know that you can love an adopted child as if they are your biological children. They all deserve to be loved and cared for, relative or not. It doesn’t matter. If you have the love in your heart, there is no difference. Adopt--- We did.
I am so thankful for my Aunt Paula and Uncle Jack. I am close to all of my family but they hold a special place in my heart. Although our adoption stories are very different, they understand the road we have traveled and are always there when I need them.
Aunt Pay and UJ,
Thank you for always being willing to share your story with me. Thank you for always being two people I can count on in life to be there for us. Every moment in my life you have stood beside me and loved me. From me telling you I was getting married right out of high school, to me telling you we were fostering and maybe adopting. You have always been some of my biggest supporters. I love you and thank God for you!
