I think of Eli all the time but my thoughts are so much different when I am about to see him. My thoughts aren't just thinking of what he is doing, how school is going, and what he had for lunch. They go so much deeper and I am crippled by the fact that I even have to go see him. The heartache stings non stop that he isn't home with us.
In a meeting today at work I was asked what my personal goals in life were and where I saw God leading me in life. (How awesome I work for a place that even asks this.) On the blank that asked where I saw God leading me in life, I literally wrote "No idea..." and it is because of Eli and all of the uncertainty. How do you plan your life or think of the future when one of your babies is not living at home? It is so hard to dream of the things God has for us because a) I feel guilty to plan like he may not be home, b) I plan for him to be home and we have no idea what that looks like or c) because I am scared to say yes to anything out of fear because my heart is broken and my feelings are hurt.
On my way home from work, I was listening to a new song by Lauren Daigle called "Rescue" that reminds me of Eli and really helps mend my heart in that moment as He draws me to worship. I wept and prayed as I thought about a doctor's appointment we would be having tomorrow and the dreams I still have for him. I was so sad thinking of this season in life we are in without him home.
BUT GOD.
He is so faithful to remind me of who He is and that He knows when my heart is broken. He doesn't always send huge reminders like church signs (like he has done before) but He always, always sends me a sign or whispers sweet reminders that He is present.
Tonight after dinner, Kyle was looking at pictures from this past weekend when him and Michael spent the day with Eli. As soon and Michael saw the picture we were looking at he said, "There is a rainbow!" All I could think about is that rainbow and what it means. Because of Genesis 9, we know a rainbow was used by God as a reminder of a covenant He had made. I was so thankful Michael pointed out the rainbow because right on top of a picture of Eli, God was reminding me of the promise He made to us and Eli. A promise to love him and care for him, to protect him and know him, to see him and care for him, to be his Father and his Savior, to be his God.
There are days I tell God I don't understand what is going on with Eli. There are days where my heart hurts more than others. There are days that I am mad and then there are days where I am okay with whatever His plan is. But everyday, God is faithful to remind me that He has made me a promise and that He will keep them. He sees the small details in life and pursues us.
Thank you Lord for Your promises and for loving Eli more than I ever could. I will cling to Your promise and trust Your plan for our lives.
