It is Well

It has been almost a year since my last blog post. Between welcoming a baby, being a full time student, working outside of the home full time, and everything else we do, it's been impossible to write. But tonight, while we are all watching tv, I decided it was time.

I don’t remember the exact date but it was about this time last year. I was sitting at the dining room table and Eli came running through the house, screaming, laughing, and had his head thrown back toward the ceiling. He stopped right in front of the kitchen bar, started spinning while looking at the ceiling, started flapping his hands, and then stopped and started crying. I thought right then, something was not right. I don’t know if it was the hand flappling or what. But I knew in that moment, the diagnoses, whatever that may be, that I fought so hard against would come.

I don’t know if every special needs parent has that defining moment, where they look at their child and realize something isn’t right. But from that moment on, something in my heart shifted. I wish I could say it made me a better parent, realizing something was different. I wish I could say it made me more patient. It didn’t.

We try to live our lives transparent and vulnerable with everyone we know. We truly believe this is the best way for God to receive the most glory. When you see the broken and ugly, you also get to see the power displayed when prayers are answered.

When we first started down this path with Eli, we kept a lot to ourselves and close friends and family, and that was usually when asked. After several months, we started to really reveal what was happening in our home: horrible aggression toward others, self harm, weekly psychiatric appointments, and multiple diagnoses.

Despite our willingness to be transparent, there is just too much to share on a daily basis. There are not enough hours in the day to update with the things we have been facing with Eli.

After many tears, prayers, and professional medical opinions, Eli entered an intense residential therapy center for children with autism and behavioral challenges. He has occupational therapy, speech therapy, behavioral therapy, and play therapy daily. He has a medical doctor and psychiatrist on his team of staff with around the clock medical and behavioral supervision. The therapy center is hopefully short term and always has a goal of returning home.

This has been an incredibly hard decision and one we fully believe the Lord has given us a peace to take. Eli moved at the beginning of July and this has been a weird adjustment for our family. For so long we struggled with what Eli needed and we know God opened this door to provide everyone with what was needed at this time.

I have to stop myself daily from asking the what if’s. What if I had accepted a diagnoses sooner? What if we sought therapy early on? What if I missed some sort of intervention because I was to busy thinking love is all he needed.

I wanted love to be all he needed so bad. After years of neglect and to an extent abuse that he suffered prior to a family, if he is surrounded by love and affection, it will change him, maybe even heal him.

I think one of the hardest realizations of being a Christian is coming to terms with the fact we all don’t get that miraculous healing that we crave. I want so bad for Eli to wake up one day talking and being able to function in a family. I pray for it. I fast for it. I hunger for it. I cry out in tears begging God for it. It’s hard, incredibly painful, when it doesn’t come for the people you love.

The past year has brought joy with welcoming Oaklyn, but the sadness of not having Eli close is horrible. It's not just that he isn't here, it's grieving for the dreams we have for him. I know God is fully capable to heal him, but I also trust He is still faithful. 

Thankfully, we have a God who draws close to us in this time and whispers intimate things. He brings you an understanding and a peace to know one day it will be different. Until that day, we wait and pray. Even when it doesn't feel good...it is well. 

Having a Special Needs Child

At the beginning of this year, I was contracted to write for an adoption website. Below is one of the articles I wrote:

Today is probably not the best day for me to write a post about how my adopted special needs child changed my life. It is a day when my “It is well” tattoo isn’t reminding me that all is well, which seems to be the case more days than not.

My day started at 6:00 am to the sound of glass breaking and screaming. My special needs son, whose diagnoses is really unfounded because of his history, freaked out over a light being turned off. He entered his grandmother’s room when he woke up, she followed him to the kitchen to fix him something for breakfast. 

You can read the rest of the article here: How My Child with Special Needs who was Adopted Changed my Life